McGregor Announces Corner Team Vs Mayweather and it is Legit Racist

In a move that has stunned the worlds of MMA, boxing and I-told-you-so-activism, Irish MMA Superstar Conor McGregor (21-3 in MMA) has released the details of his corner for his upcoming bout vs Boxing Legend Floyd Mayweather (49-0 in Boxing)…and it is legit racist as hell.

Alongside long-time coach John Kavanagh, Team McGregor has called in Adolf Hitler (Intercontinental champion, 1939-1942), Pepe The Frog (alt-right cruiserweight contender, 2015-) and Ku-Klux Clam (Itchy & Scratchy’s friend with white supremacist links). None are noted pugilists, leading critics to slam McGregor with allegations of theatrical con artistry.

mayweather_bieberMayweather’s flouncing coach Justin Bieber has lashed out at McGregor, commenting “now it’s ON, leprechaun boy! It’s too late now to say sorry!”

Reached for comment, Conor McGregor’s response was lost in a blur of puffy-chesting amidst a string of hurdy-gurdy gobbledegook.

Continue reading “McGregor Announces Corner Team Vs Mayweather and it is Legit Racist”

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BREAKING!!! Jones vs Cormier pulled from UFC214 after Reebok drama

The MMA world has plunged into near-suicidal despair after Jones vs Cormier II has been cut from UFC214 just hours after weigh-in was completed. This is the third time the scheduled bout has been cancelled following previous lawbreaking shenanigans. UFC president Dana White has gone on the record saying “We’re never making this fight again. Ever. Forget about it. It’s over.”

In a shocking development, the fight has been cancelled not over Jon Jones’ narcotic indiscretions, but because of Daniel Cormier breaking contractual obligations with Reebok. The hirsute 47-year-old was snapped at an open workout fan session decked out in garb emblazoned with favourites from the good old days, which an inside source was worth $100K to the “champ”.

The fan session descended into chaos when the UFC’s head honcho physically intervened to save the brand’s sponsorship investment with Reebok, luring Cormier from the mat with promises of chocolate cake.

cormier_sponsors

Reports that Cormier’s onesie was emblazoned in a full Hoelzer Reich backpiece remain unconfirmed.

Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?

Henry Cejudo is an Olympic gold medalist. Henry Cejudo is the #2 ranked fighter in the UFC’s flyweight division. Henry Cejudo is scheduled to fight Demetrius Johnson for the championship this weekend at UFC 197. But is he all he says he is? Born in Los Angeles, California? Born in 1987? Fighting out of Phoenix, Arizona? But is he?

A shocking image emerged following Rafael dos Anjos’ (Portuguese for double anus) upset victory over Anthony Pettis to claim the UFC’s lightweight title. When dos Anjos’ family entered the Octagon to witness their father be badgered by Joe Rogan in his second language, it caught our attention that his youngest son, Gustavo, is no other than Henry Cejudo! That’s right, folks. You heard it here! Continue reading “Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?”

Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor

Conor McGregor retired from MMA on Tuesday with the Tweet Heard ‘Round the World. The cryptic 140 character message left many people questioning its meaning. Was it a power play or a negotiation tool? Was he strongly affected by the recent death of Brazilian fighter Joao Carvalho at a Dublin MMA event he attended? Is he afraid of his rematch with Nate Diaz at UFC 200 or, more sinisterly, a pending drug test? Is he on MMAeth? The MMA-osphere was sent reeling, scouring for clues and answers.

A Cage Burn exclusive blows the cover on the otherwise unrevealed motivation behind the surprise retirement. What we’re about to reveal may shock sensibilities and conventional mores. McGregor is not afraid for his health, his career, his pay check or anything else. McGregor is, beholden to Satan!

There is no Dee Devlin. ‘Dee Devlin’ is in fact, an anagram for Need Devil.

McGregor needs the devil. So if you are searching for reason in his actions search no further.

Continue reading “Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor”

Feeling So Alive: P.O.D. Usage in MMA

It seems like every other day a new fighter is going down for ‘performance enhancement’. Yoel Romero, Frank Mir, Lyoto Machida and that Russian Guy from the Tampa card on the weekend are the most recent examples.

It’s no surprise that elite athletes might seek a competitive advantage. They compete under a business model that only pays them when they compete and pays them double when they win. But whether the fighter blames roided-out kangaroo meat or supplemental taints, it is obvious that we are facing a crisis.

Rumours are everywhere. They start out as whispers. Turn into a chorus. Before long, people begin to beat the drums, screaming in rage at the injustices in front of them.

The athletes in our sport are jacked to the gills in an attempt to gain an edge. And what they’re jacked on… P.O.D.s.

Continue reading “Feeling So Alive: P.O.D. Usage in MMA”

BREAKING: Nurmagedomev replacement for Ferguson revealed

The world of MMA was in despair today as Russian virtuoso Khabib Abdulmanapovich Nurmagomedov once more had his competitive aspirations dragged into uncertainty. The world-renowned hardman, famous for wrestling actual BEARS as a child, has had a hard run of it with injury after injury over the past few years.

This time, however, it’s not Nurmy…it’s his opponent, Tony Ferguson. Forced to withdraw from his upcoming appearance on UFC on FOX 19 due to blood in his lung (!!), the fearsome bruiser known as ‘El Cucuy’ is on a seven fight win streak and as such, his match-up with Nurmagomedov was highly anticipated.

The news has seen a raft of the UFC’s top talent calling to be the replacement, with everyone from Donald ‘Cowboy’ Cerrone to Rafael Dos Anjos calling out the Russian maniac.

Today, CageBurnMMA can exclusive reveal that Nurmagomedov’s opponent for April 16 has just been revealed – and it is a pack of Siberian wolves.

While the devout Muslim’s judo skills and sambo pedigree are not to be taken lightly, it remains to be seen how much of match they are for the razor sharp teeth, vicious rending claws and highly evolved pack instinct of one of the greatest predators of the natural world.

Reached for comment, the Russian declined to comment, merely peeping out from under his funny hat and shrugging in a wonderfully stoic Russian manner.

First Stitch, Now Ariel… Who’s Next?

News emerged late last week that Fox Sports would be cutting ties with award-winning MMA reporter Ariel Helwani. When the news was first leaked, rumours began to circulate. While MMA fans are still in the dark as to the true motives for the separation, Cage Burn has done some digging around and what we’ve found is scary:

The UFC is targeting and purging all of Disney from the organisation.

Continue reading “First Stitch, Now Ariel… Who’s Next?”

Jon Jones Arrest Revealed as Hoax

In a shocking turn of events, this morning’s reported arrest of former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones has been revealed as a hoax.

UFC brass are currently investigating brash calls from current UFC Light Heavyweight ‘Champion’ Daniel Cormier to once again strip Jon Jones of his title. Allegedly, when an unidentifiable bald white man in a suit pointed out that Cormier was still kinda sorta considered the champ, DC apparently got very shifty-eyed and started stuttering that he was always the champ, always would be the champ, and didn’t need special treatment just because he had a clinical addiction to Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups.

Continue reading “Jon Jones Arrest Revealed as Hoax”

Exclusive: Secret Ken Shamrock Training Video Unearthed

Following the recent announcement that Ken Shamrock failed his pre-fight drug test prior to Bellator 149, numerous questions were raised. If Ken Shamrock looked so poor in this outing, what aspect of his performance was enhanced? Does Ken Shamrock even train MMA nowadays? What game plan did he have going into his bout with Royce Gracie?

Through unnamed sources and diligent due diligence, Cage Burn was able to answer some of these lingering concerns. Crucially, we’ve uncovered a secret training video of MMA’s elder statesman preparing for the Gracie fight. Note the flop and groin clutch displayed in the video, so expertly implemented during the February tussle.

Is Ken refilling his sippy cup from the ‘Fountain of Youth?’ Wink, wink. Nod, nod. We don’t know, we don’t have cups of his pee. But looking at how old he looks in the training video and how shredded he looks clutching his nuts below, Shamrock has some explaining to do.

Shamrock Dude, My Nuts