In a move that has stunned the worlds of MMA, boxing and I-told-you-so-activism, Irish MMA Superstar Conor McGregor (21-3 in MMA) has released the details of his corner for his upcoming bout vs Boxing Legend Floyd Mayweather (49-0 in Boxing)…and it is legit racist as hell.
Alongside long-time coach John Kavanagh, Team McGregor has called in Adolf Hitler (Intercontinental champion, 1939-1942), Pepe The Frog (alt-right cruiserweight contender, 2015-) and Ku-Klux Clam (Itchy & Scratchy’s friend with white supremacist links). None are noted pugilists, leading critics to slam McGregor with allegations of theatrical con artistry.
Mayweather’s flouncing coach Justin Bieber has lashed out at McGregor, commenting “now it’s ON, leprechaun boy! It’s too late now to say sorry!”
Reached for comment, Conor McGregor’s response was lost in a blur of puffy-chesting amidst a string of hurdy-gurdy gobbledegook.
The MMA world has plunged into near-suicidal despair after Jones vs Cormier II has been cut from UFC214 just hours after weigh-in was completed. This is the third time the scheduled bout has been cancelled following previous lawbreaking shenanigans. UFC president Dana White has gone on the record saying “We’re never making this fight again. Ever. Forget about it. It’s over.”
In a shocking development, the fight has been cancelled not over Jon Jones’ narcotic indiscretions, but because of Daniel Cormier breaking contractual obligations with Reebok. The hirsute 47-year-old was snapped at an open workout fan session decked out in garb emblazoned with favourites from the good old days, which an inside source was worth $100K to the “champ”.
The fan session descended into chaos when the UFC’s head honcho physically intervened to save the brand’s sponsorship investment with Reebok, luring Cormier from the mat with promises of chocolate cake.
Reports that Cormier’s onesie was emblazoned in a full Hoelzer Reich backpiece remain unconfirmed.
In a Cageburn exclusive, former UFC Middleweight Champion Chris Weidman has attributed his choke-out win over Kelvin Gastelum at #UFCLongIsland to his opponent’s “indescriminate and frankly dizzzope” use of marijuana. Prior to Weidman’s theft of Gastelum’s swag, the 25-year-old was observed smoking three joints in his dressing room, allowing him to adopt an exceptionally relaxed demeanour in the fight’s early rounds. Nevertheless, Weidman successfully navigated the mental hedgemaze of ganja to break a three-fight losing streak and bring home the W in the third round.
So there I am, yeah, only five minutes home after flyin’ round the whole bleedin’ world for them fookin press conferences. I’m about to get into me 24 Carat Chinese Silk Superman pajamas and throw me feet up in the McMansion, when the phone rings. Who’s on the line only Ramzan bleedin’ Kadyrov! I’m there, Ramadan Whozakov? It turns out he’s only a bleedin’ WARLORD and an MMA promoter. So he tells me he’s made a “gentlemen’s agreement” with Dana for a deathmatch between the UFC and his team and he wants me to come over and train them for a day! The chap’s a dictator over in Azerbaijan or somewhere and he’s pals with all these knobheads – Tyson, Mayweather, even yer man Chris Weidman, that dope who got lucky when The Spider was his way out. And wait’ll ya hear this, Khabib, the lad who had a scrap with a pack of wolves – he’s Kadyrov’s little fookin lovechild! They done a genetics test and ev’ryting.
Leo – That recurring dream where you keep grabbing referee Leon Roberts’ leg and escaping from side control while he’s on top of you waving his arms in an Octagon shaped cage with a lot of screaming people and loud noises and lights after you’ve just been poked in the eye a bunch just seems to get realer and realer.
Virgo – You’ve been calling into work sick with chronic sinusitis for years. The gig is up as it’s become all the rage globally in the last week and half. Looks like all four of your grandparents are going to have to die… again.
Leo – That leathery old black man who keeps following you around and slurring his words at you angrily is not a figment of your imagination. He’s real… and you must fight his son to keep possession of your soul.
Virgo – You will be asked to judge an “MMA event” in a barn in Iowa. While the circumstances might seem mysterious and the promoter is shadowy, you’ll never have another chance to see a man wrestle a goat for money.
Once again The Spider has become caught up in a web spun from his own silk – and by silk, we mean penis pills.
In breaking news, the Brazilian MMA superstar Anderson Silva (33-7-0) has dropped out of this weekend’s contest citing problems with his willy as the cause. Newcomer and spurned opponent Uriah Hall, the young pretender to Anderson’s throne, reports that his own doodle is just fine, and he’s happy to fight it out with anyone.
Coming off the back of a three fight losing streak, with a further bout vs Nick Diaz ruled a No Contest in January 2015 after Silva tested positive for steroids and Stockton’s finest tested positive for Sizzurp, weed, molly and PCP, sources close to the fighter from São Paulo cited “penis problems” as the cause of his injuries.
“Look man” said a training partner only identified as Ãençei Wãeńcê, “he’s not been the same since Weidman fucked him. After that my friend Júnior was round at Anderson’s house and the Spider and his wife, they were having the worst argument. Júnino, he hear Anderson wife screaming, ’Is so small! Is no work now!’, you know? Next thing, is disqualified after fight and blames it on penis pills. Now again he has problems – and who’s fault? He blame the penis. All I’m saying is, maybe he don’t need wear a cup no more, you know?”
In recent years, penis problems in the Brazilian MMA community have increasingly come to light involving fighters using ‘steroids’ in order to gain an edge in the bedroom, with pundits claiming the country’s history of unfettered machismo is to blame. One thing is clear – with Anderson Silva holding the longest title reign and most consecutive title defences in UFC history, it seems he’s finally met his match…and it is in his own pants.
45-year-old Republican candidate Ted Cruz has dropped out of the presidential race in order to devote more time to his MMA training.
Citing a disillusionment with politics, sources close to Cruz said that he was sick of enacting mere proxy violence on disadvantaged members of North American society and instead wanted to “really, actually hurt some poor people…like, by hand?”.
The consumate Thai stylist dropped the news with a textbook side elbow to the face of wife Heidi; all of his us here at Cageburn MMA wish him the best in following the footsteps of cousin Dominic…by amassing as many career-threatening injuries as possible.
Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. Today we take a look at UFC Fight Night: Overeem vs Arlovski from Rotterdam, NetherRegions, the Cleveland of Europe. It’s also the largest port on the old continent, which means that if you’ve ever done cocaine in Europe, there’s a good chance it came through Rotterdam!
Arlovski reveals himself to be a Slavic Werebear now that he’s closer to his native soil and everlasting immortality: +515
The chances of Andrei Arlovski actually being a werebear is relatively high. But ever since the Twilight Octrilogy was released, the younger generations might be inclined to think he’s a vampire. He’s clearly a werebear, you idiots. But, despite what you geographically retarded Americans might think, Rotterdam is not that close to Ex-Russiaslavia. He’s not ‘coming out’ here.