BREAKING – Anderson Silva: “Is No Steroids, Is My Penis”

Once again The Spider has become caught up in a web spun from his own silk – and by silk, we mean penis pills. In breaking news, the Brazilian MMA superstar Anderson Silva (33-7-0) has dropped out of this weekend’s contest citing problems with his willy as the cause. Newcomer and spurned opponent Uriah Hall, the young pretender to Anderson’s throne, reports that his own … Continue reading BREAKING – Anderson Silva: “Is No Steroids, Is My Penis”

USA Republican Presidential Candidate’s Unexpected MMA Dream

45-year-old Republican candidate Ted Cruz has dropped out of the presidential race in order to devote more time to his MMA training. Citing a disillusionment with politics, sources close to Cruz said that he was sick of  enacting mere proxy violence on disadvantaged members of North American society and instead wanted to “really, actually hurt some poor people…like, by hand?”. The consumate Thai stylist dropped … Continue reading USA Republican Presidential Candidate’s Unexpected MMA Dream

Burn the Books – UFC Fight Night: Overeem vs Arlovski

Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. Today we take a look at UFC Fight Night: Overeem vs Arlovski from Rotterdam, NetherRegions, the Cleveland of Europe. It’s also the largest port on the old continent, which means that if you’ve ever done cocaine in Europe, there’s a good chance it came through Rotterdam!

For previous entries into the Burn the Books series, click here.

Arlovski reveals himself to be a Slavic Werebear now that he’s closer to his native soil and everlasting immortality: +515

The chances of Andrei Arlovski actually being a werebear is relatively high. But ever since the Twilight Octrilogy was released, the younger generations might be inclined to think he’s a vampire. He’s clearly a werebear, you idiots. But, despite what you geographically retarded Americans might think, Rotterdam is not that close to Ex-Russiaslavia. He’s not ‘coming out’ here.

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Create-a-Fighter: Anna Elmose

You know when you go to look up a fight card on Wikipedia and you come across fighters with no Wiki page? WTF, right? As far as we’re concerned, anyone on a UFC card should have a page. In lieu of actual knowledge of the fighters, we here at Cage Burn have been forced to create Bios for these Wiki-less fighters. You can help!

Name: Anna Elmose

Nickname: The Fire Muppet

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Employee of the Month – Gregory McConnors

Employee of the Month is a monthly award given out to some of our exemplary employees here in the Cage Burn Kingdom. We recognise the unique space that we inhabit in this unique sport. We recognise that in order for us to have content, we require colossal blunders from people teetering on the brink of insanity. And so this month, we recognise: Employee of the Month, April 2016 – Gregory … Continue reading Employee of the Month – Gregory McConnors

Faces of MMAeth – Paddy Holohan

It is with great sadness that we at Cage Burn today wave goodbye to a legendary Irish pioneer in the arena of no-holds-barred unarmed combat with an honourary posting to the halls of MMAeth. Paddy Holohan has just announced his retirement and – all joking aside – this sudden and unexpected news has robbed the MMA community of a unique and inspirational figure. Paddy ‘The … Continue reading Faces of MMAeth – Paddy Holohan

Burn the Books: UFC 197

Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. This week we look at UFC 197, an event featuring arguably the two best pound for pound fighters in the world. Marred by the abrupt withdrawal of Daniel Cormier, the card still packs some power with names and quality match-ups from top to bottom. Enjoy!

Conor McGregor flies into the arena a la ‘Fanman’ to drop a turd in the centre of the Octagon™: +800

Don’t believe the hype on this prop bet. Sure, McGregor might take to fancy parachuting, and he might fly into the MGM Grand Garden Arena and he might drop a turd… but that turd will not be directed at the centre of The Octagon™ my friend.

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Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army

In a communiqué that rocked the MMA world, ex-junkie Conor McGregor has just announced his Glorious Five Year Plan to collectivise and unionise the sport’s athletes.

Rumour and innuendo have run rampant since The Tweet Heard Around The World was sent out two days ago announcing his retirement. Proposed motivations swung from fear of Nate Diaz, to fear of USADA, to fear of success. But Comrade McGregor knows no fear. He only knows solidarity, unity, strength.

The announcement was accompanied by the formation of a new union, of which Comrade Conor will be the head, the Mixed Martial Arts Fighters Union or MMAFU. Along with the formation of the union, a call-to-arms was issued for the Red Panty Army (RPA) to sally forth and take key infrastructure and positions.  Continue reading “Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army”

Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?

Henry Cejudo is an Olympic gold medalist. Henry Cejudo is the #2 ranked fighter in the UFC’s flyweight division. Henry Cejudo is scheduled to fight Demetrius Johnson for the championship this weekend at UFC 197. But is he all he says he is? Born in Los Angeles, California? Born in 1987? Fighting out of Phoenix, Arizona? But is he?

A shocking image emerged following Rafael dos Anjos’ (Portuguese for double anus) upset victory over Anthony Pettis to claim the UFC’s lightweight title. When dos Anjos’ family entered the Octagon to witness their father be badgered by Joe Rogan in his second language, it caught our attention that his youngest son, Gustavo, is no other than Henry Cejudo! That’s right, folks. You heard it here! Continue reading “Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?”

Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor

Conor McGregor retired from MMA on Tuesday with the Tweet Heard ‘Round the World. The cryptic 140 character message left many people questioning its meaning. Was it a power play or a negotiation tool? Was he strongly affected by the recent death of Brazilian fighter Joao Carvalho at a Dublin MMA event he attended? Is he afraid of his rematch with Nate Diaz at UFC 200 or, more sinisterly, a pending drug test? Is he on MMAeth? The MMA-osphere was sent reeling, scouring for clues and answers.

A Cage Burn exclusive blows the cover on the otherwise unrevealed motivation behind the surprise retirement. What we’re about to reveal may shock sensibilities and conventional mores. McGregor is not afraid for his health, his career, his pay check or anything else. McGregor is, beholden to Satan!

There is no Dee Devlin. ‘Dee Devlin’ is in fact, an anagram for Need Devil.

McGregor needs the devil. So if you are searching for reason in his actions search no further.

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