Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor

Conor McGregor retired from MMA on Tuesday with the Tweet Heard ‘Round the World. The cryptic 140 character message left many people questioning its meaning. Was it a power play or a negotiation tool? Was he strongly affected by the recent death of Brazilian fighter Joao Carvalho at a Dublin MMA event he attended? Is he afraid of his rematch with Nate Diaz at UFC 200 or, more sinisterly, a pending drug test? Is he on MMAeth? The MMA-osphere was sent reeling, scouring for clues and answers.

A Cage Burn exclusive blows the cover on the otherwise unrevealed motivation behind the surprise retirement. What we’re about to reveal may shock sensibilities and conventional mores. McGregor is not afraid for his health, his career, his pay check or anything else. McGregor is, beholden to Satan!

There is no Dee Devlin. ‘Dee Devlin’ is in fact, an anagram for Need Devil.

McGregor needs the devil. So if you are searching for reason in his actions search no further.

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Faces of MMAeth – Conor McGregor

The Notorious One was allegedly spotted walking around Dublin’s Abbey Street asking for “a Euro for the bus” before his bout with Diego Brandao on 19 July 2014. It seems this brush with MMAeth was enough of a scare for the svelt Crumlin man; he has since moved up to the Light Heavyweight division and is rumoured to be taking on the forces of Heaven at 205lb after he loses (again) to Stockton’s Finest at UFC 200 on July 9 2016.

Click here for more shocking Faces of MMAeth.

Cage Burn Salutes the UFC for Giving us 4 More Months of Touch Butt

On Friday, it was reported that Conor McGregor would face Nate Diaz once again, this time at UFC 200. With the highest profile fighters in the sport more popular than ever, the event will be a landmark on the MMA landscape and is expected to be stacked, top to bottom. While an entire fight card full of stars may stir the imaginations of both hardcore and softcore fans alike, what gets us up in the morning is touch butt.

We here at Cage Burn salute the UFC for giving us four more months of touch butt. Whether touch butt takes place in the park with dorks, or in the privacy of one’s home, is not important. What’s important is that it is talked about, endlessly, from now until July.

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Cage Burn Salutes: Stockton

First there were the Vandals, who famously sacked Rome. Next came the Mongols, maurauding out of East-Central Asia to enslave half the world. And then there was the 209, wreaking havoc in Vegas and bringing UFC200 down in flames.

Today, we at Cage Burn salute the City of Stockton, California, for producing more hard men than a breakaway Russian Republic. We don’t know how they do it. They don’t have bears to wrestle. There are no mountains were people can chop wood. There are no Ivan Dragos.

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Top 5 Most Humble Fighters

This week’s Top 5 draws inspiration from every bandwagon fan’s favourite fighter, Conor McGregor. Following the Touchbutt brown belt’s surprising loss via rear naked choke to Jiu Jitsu black belt Nate Diaz, his ever flapping gums uttered the words, “I am always humble, in victory or defeat.”

Anyone with ears was taken aback by the statement from the same mouth that had said pre-fight that he could buy and sell his opponent 100 times over.

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Je Suis Diaz – Stockton’s Proudest Son Granted Recognition by Nevada State Athletic Commission

In the aftermath of last weekend’s incredible events which saw UFC fighter and touchbutt brownbelt Conor McGregor unceremoniously merked by Stockton’s Nate Diaz, supporters of the newly crowned unofficial UFC Featherweight Champ and pound-for-pound kushlord stood for a ceremonial one minute flip-the-bird in the general direction of Ireland today at exactly 16.20 Pacific Standard Time.

In a stunningly apt display of ganjacity, a representative of the Nevada State Athletic Commission subsequently announced a medical suspension for the esteemed boxer and Jiu-Jitsu blackbelt which is to stand until April 20th and which has unofficially been claimed as a something of a reward for the lifetime cannabis afficonado.

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