The MMA world has plunged into near-suicidal despair after Jones vs Cormier II has been cut from UFC214 just hours after weigh-in was completed. This is the third time the scheduled bout has been cancelled following previous lawbreaking shenanigans. UFC president Dana White has gone on the record saying “We’re never making this fight again. Ever. Forget about it. It’s over.”
In a shocking development, the fight has been cancelled not over Jon Jones’ narcotic indiscretions, but because of Daniel Cormier breaking contractual obligations with Reebok. The hirsute 47-year-old was snapped at an open workout fan session decked out in garb emblazoned with favourites from the good old days, which an inside source was worth $100K to the “champ”.
The fan session descended into chaos when the UFC’s head honcho physically intervened to save the brand’s sponsorship investment with Reebok, luring Cormier from the mat with promises of chocolate cake.
Reports that Cormier’s onesie was emblazoned in a full Hoelzer Reich backpiece remain unconfirmed.
Once again The Spider has become caught up in a web spun from his own silk – and by silk, we mean penis pills.
In breaking news, the Brazilian MMA superstar Anderson Silva (33-7-0) has dropped out of this weekend’s contest citing problems with his willy as the cause. Newcomer and spurned opponent Uriah Hall, the young pretender to Anderson’s throne, reports that his own doodle is just fine, and he’s happy to fight it out with anyone.
Coming off the back of a three fight losing streak, with a further bout vs Nick Diaz ruled a No Contest in January 2015 after Silva tested positive for steroids and Stockton’s finest tested positive for Sizzurp, weed, molly and PCP, sources close to the fighter from São Paulo cited “penis problems” as the cause of his injuries.
“Look man” said a training partner only identified as Ãençei Wãeńcê, “he’s not been the same since Weidman fucked him. After that my friend Júnior was round at Anderson’s house and the Spider and his wife, they were having the worst argument. Júnino, he hear Anderson wife screaming, ’Is so small! Is no work now!’, you know? Next thing, is disqualified after fight and blames it on penis pills. Now again he has problems – and who’s fault? He blame the penis. All I’m saying is, maybe he don’t need wear a cup no more, you know?”
In recent years, penis problems in the Brazilian MMA community have increasingly come to light involving fighters using ‘steroids’ in order to gain an edge in the bedroom, with pundits claiming the country’s history of unfettered machismo is to blame. One thing is clear – with Anderson Silva holding the longest title reign and most consecutive title defences in UFC history, it seems he’s finally met his match…and it is in his own pants.
Poor old Diego’s on a bit of a downward spiral. After a widely publicised loss to a fellow MMAeth abuser he got back into the wins column for a couple of bouts, even netting a Performance of the Night bonus vs Katsunori Kikuno with a TKO in Japan.
However, after testing positive for Marijuana following a triangle choke loss after a spirited contest vs Brian Ortega at UFC 195 back in January, the Brazilian wax merchant has been on the slippery slope to skid row.
As reported by MMAjunkie, “Early this past Thursday morning, Brandao allegedly fought three employees at the downtown Albuquerque club Knockouts before returning to brandish a gun, according to an arrest warrant obtained today”.
In an official UFC statement, the organisation claimed to be “concerned by the nature of the reported allegations” but refused to comment on further allegations that the 28-year-old Jackson-Wink fighter had started the fight due to the DJ’s refusal to play Danish eurodance group Aqua’s breakthrough 1997 hit ‘Barbie Girl’.
A teammate of Brandao’s at Jackson-Wink did, however, confirm that the Albuquerque-based UFC fighter had a penchant for ‘motor boating’ strippers to said pop song. Diego is well-liked at the world-class training facility, where he is also much admired for his skill in ‘helicoptering’ his penis whilst singing the lyrics to ‘Barbie Girl‘ at the top of his voice in the changing rooms.
Tony Ferguson goes by “El Cucuy” as a fighter, which is simply Spanish for “the boogeyman.” After recently pulling out of a scheduled fight with Khabib Nurmagomedov in a bout most assumed would determine the next challenger for the lightweight title questions began to be asked. Is Ferguson facing a boogeyman of his own?
Looking at the image above, a stark contrast can be seen. A healthy, smiling Tony on the left compared to a gaunt, ashamed Tony on the right. Sure, a suitable replacement was found for Nurmy, but the composition of a fight card is not our big concern. Ferguson’s excuse for pulling out? Blood in his lung.
MMAeth is a scourge that threatens us all. Have young addicts moved from simply snorting and smoking it to injecting it directly into their lungs to maximise the high? If so, heaven help us.
Jonathan “Bones” Jones, one of the greatest fighters of all-time, is not even impervious to MMAeth’s pervasive grasp. On top of the world at one moment, in the depths of addiction the next, the former UFC Light Heavyweight champion nearly lost it all while battling his demons.
How can you tell if a friend or fighter close to you is struggling? Erratic behaviour, running from hit-and-runs with fistfuls of cash and purchasing oversized African cats are key indicators. Two nights in jail may have quenched his thirst, but until then we hope Jon gets his life in order.
The Notorious One was allegedly spotted walking around Dublin’s Abbey Street asking for “a Euro for the bus” before his bout with Diego Brandao on 19 July 2014. It seems this brush with MMAeth was enough of a scare for the svelt Crumlin man; he has since moved up to the Light Heavyweight division and is rumoured to be taking on the forces of Heaven at 205lb after he loses (again) to Stockton’s Finest at UFC 200 on July 9 2016.