UR Fight: UR Fucking Kidding Me!

What the hell happened last night in Phoenix, Arizona. Last time we checked, Phoenix was not in International Waters. Unless Bill Hicks’ Arizona Bay concept has come to fruition while I’ve been gacked up on day/night cold medicine for the past few days, there should still be some laws in Phoenix.

Giving new meaning to the phrase ‘Vale Tudo’, Roy Jones Jr knocked out a fan and Michael Bisping used mock elbows to try to soften up Chael Sonnen in a grappling match. WWE wrestlers did their thing and the ever-humble Rampage Jackson dropped a c-bomb. Tank Abbot almost fought on the card, for Christ’s sake.

But we here at Cage Burn can’t help but think we could’ve done better. After a weekend spent in an opiate-induced dream state, we’ve come up with the following fight card.


Touch Butt Demonstration: Ido Portal vs a Gazelle

Touch Butt, a previously unheralded martial art, was brought to the forefront of our imaginations recently. While most accept that Ido Portal, the art’s foremost practitioner, is at his most dangerous in the park, it will be interesting to see how he performs inside our patented dodecagon cage (12 sides for the math-inhibited).


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Exclusive: Secret Ken Shamrock Training Video Unearthed

Following the recent announcement that Ken Shamrock failed his pre-fight drug test prior to Bellator 149, numerous questions were raised. If Ken Shamrock looked so poor in this outing, what aspect of his performance was enhanced? Does Ken Shamrock even train MMA nowadays? What game plan did he have going into his bout with Royce Gracie?

Through unnamed sources and diligent due diligence, Cage Burn was able to answer some of these lingering concerns. Crucially, we’ve uncovered a secret training video of MMA’s elder statesman preparing for the Gracie fight. Note the flop and groin clutch displayed in the video, so expertly implemented during the February tussle.

Is Ken refilling his sippy cup from the ‘Fountain of Youth?’ Wink, wink. Nod, nod. We don’t know, we don’t have cups of his pee. But looking at how old he looks in the training video and how shredded he looks clutching his nuts below, Shamrock has some explaining to do.

Shamrock Dude, My Nuts

Dada 5000 Returns to the Ranks of the Undefeated

Many MMA fighters have losses. A list of combatants with losses reads like a who’s who of the sport. Dada 5000, no relation to Powerman 5000, is not one of them.

Anderson Silva and Fedor Emelianenko both lost to Father Time. Jon Jones lost to the rulebook, and later, some funyuns. Georges St Pierre lost to a Level 3 Fire Dwarf wielding an overhand right with +10 damage. Dada 5000 loses to no man.

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