The MMA world has plunged into near-suicidal despair after Jones vs Cormier II has been cut from UFC214 just hours after weigh-in was completed. This is the third time the scheduled bout has been cancelled following previous lawbreaking shenanigans. UFC president Dana White has gone on the record saying “We’re never making this fight again. Ever. Forget about it. It’s over.”
In a shocking development, the fight has been cancelled not over Jon Jones’ narcotic indiscretions, but because of Daniel Cormier breaking contractual obligations with Reebok. The hirsute 47-year-old was snapped at an open workout fan session decked out in garb emblazoned with favourites from the good old days, which an inside source was worth $100K to the “champ”.
The fan session descended into chaos when the UFC’s head honcho physically intervened to save the brand’s sponsorship investment with Reebok, luring Cormier from the mat with promises of chocolate cake.
Reports that Cormier’s onesie was emblazoned in a full Hoelzer Reich backpiece remain unconfirmed.
So there I am, yeah, only five minutes home after flyin’ round the whole bleedin’ world for them fookin press conferences. I’m about to get into me 24 Carat Chinese Silk Superman pajamas and throw me feet up in the McMansion, when the phone rings. Who’s on the line only Ramzan bleedin’ Kadyrov! I’m there, Ramadan Whozakov? It turns out he’s only a bleedin’ WARLORD and an MMA promoter. So he tells me he’s made a “gentlemen’s agreement” with Dana for a deathmatch between the UFC and his team and he wants me to come over and train them for a day! The chap’s a dictator over in Azerbaijan or somewhere and he’s pals with all these knobheads – Tyson, Mayweather, even yer man Chris Weidman, that dope who got lucky when The Spider was his way out. And wait’ll ya hear this, Khabib, the lad who had a scrap with a pack of wolves – he’s Kadyrov’s little fookin lovechild! They done a genetics test and ev’ryting.
Continue reading “Comrade McGregor – Letter To Chechnya”
Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. This week we look at UFC 197, an event featuring arguably the two best pound for pound fighters in the world. Marred by the abrupt withdrawal of Daniel Cormier, the card still packs some power with names and quality match-ups from top to bottom. Enjoy!
Conor McGregor flies into the arena a la ‘Fanman’ to drop a turd in the centre of the Octagon™: +800
Don’t believe the hype on this prop bet. Sure, McGregor might take to fancy parachuting, and he might fly into the MGM Grand Garden Arena and he might drop a turd… but that turd will not be directed at the centre of The Octagon™ my friend.
Continue reading “Burn the Books: UFC 197”
In a communiqué that rocked the MMA world, ex-junkie Conor McGregor has just announced his Glorious Five Year Plan to collectivise and unionise the sport’s athletes.
Rumour and innuendo have run rampant since The Tweet Heard Around The World was sent out two days ago announcing his retirement. Proposed motivations swung from fear of Nate Diaz, to fear of USADA, to fear of success. But Comrade McGregor knows no fear. He only knows solidarity, unity, strength.
The announcement was accompanied by the formation of a new union, of which Comrade Conor will be the head, the Mixed Martial Arts Fighters Union or MMAFU. Along with the formation of the union, a call-to-arms was issued for the Red Panty Army (RPA) to sally forth and take key infrastructure and positions. Continue reading “Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army”
As of late, it has become the en vogue thing for MMA matchmakers to reach into yesteryear and dust off some oldies but goodies in an attempt to rekindle some of the sport’s pre-saturation lustre. This weekend’s UFC on Fox 19 card from Tampa, Florida does just that, featuring a main event of Glover Teixeira vs Rashad Evans and a co-main event of Lyoto Machida vs Dan Henderson.
But according to Bellator’s Scott Coker, Dana White is afraid to really crank up the Delorean and take the sport for a ride back in time.
Continue reading ““Dana Afraid to Really Travel Back in Time”: Scott Coker”
In an attempt to bolster viewership on the promotion’s online subscription network, Fight Pass, UFC mouthpiece Dana White has announced a new series starring one of their more unlikely, ascendent stars.
Magny P.I. will star Niel Magny, winner of 10 of his last 11 fights, as a laid-back private investigator who lives a luxurious lifestyle on an oft-referenced but never-seen millionaire’s estate. He drives around in his patron’s Ferrari while picking up on women and solving crime, all the while twirling his trademark moustache.
Continue reading “Magny P.I.: UFC To Launch New Series on Fight Pass”
On Friday, it was reported that Conor McGregor would face Nate Diaz once again, this time at UFC 200. With the highest profile fighters in the sport more popular than ever, the event will be a landmark on the MMA landscape and is expected to be stacked, top to bottom. While an entire fight card full of stars may stir the imaginations of both hardcore and softcore fans alike, what gets us up in the morning is touch butt.
We here at Cage Burn salute the UFC for giving us four more months of touch butt. Whether touch butt takes place in the park with dorks, or in the privacy of one’s home, is not important. What’s important is that it is talked about, endlessly, from now until July.
Continue reading “Cage Burn Salutes the UFC for Giving us 4 More Months of Touch Butt”
Some fighters claim to be hungry. Not literally, in the sense of being poor and needing more food. They mean it metaphorically, as in, hungry for success. But no matter how hungry you are, you can’t eat success and / or championship belts. Yet a bit of success on the canvas may well put (actual) food on the table – or on your feet.
One fighter was so poor while fighting for the UFC that he could not even afford shoes. His name is Matt Mitrione and his shoeless days are over.
Following the expiry of his contract with the UFC, Mitrione signed on with rival promotion Bellator (Italian for beautiful tor). His new promotion’s mouthpiece, Scott Coker, has promised him all the shoes he could eat.
Continue reading “Matt Mitrione Signs With Bellator; Can Now Afford Shoes”
In breaking news, Meisha Tate, having recently won the UFC Women’s Bantamweight Title from Holly Holm, has knocked back a rematch with deposed diva Ronda Rousey.
UFC mouthpiece Dana White, following the stunning upset at UFC 196, had stated that Tate’s next fight would be against promotion favourite and media darling Rousey. Tate, however, laid waste to the bald blowhard’s plans, stating slowly and succinctly, “Dana, nobody wants to see Rousey – Tate 3.”
Continue reading “Meisha Tate Turns Down Ronda Rousey Rematch”