Once again The Spider has become caught up in a web spun from his own silk – and by silk, we mean penis pills.
In breaking news, the Brazilian MMA superstar Anderson Silva (33-7-0) has dropped out of this weekend’s contest citing problems with his willy as the cause. Newcomer and spurned opponent Uriah Hall, the young pretender to Anderson’s throne, reports that his own doodle is just fine, and he’s happy to fight it out with anyone.
Coming off the back of a three fight losing streak, with a further bout vs Nick Diaz ruled a No Contest in January 2015 after Silva tested positive for steroids and Stockton’s finest tested positive for Sizzurp, weed, molly and PCP, sources close to the fighter from São Paulo cited “penis problems” as the cause of his injuries.
“Look man” said a training partner only identified as Ãençei Wãeńcê, “he’s not been the same since Weidman fucked him. After that my friend Júnior was round at Anderson’s house and the Spider and his wife, they were having the worst argument. Júnino, he hear Anderson wife screaming, ’Is so small! Is no work now!’, you know? Next thing, is disqualified after fight and blames it on penis pills. Now again he has problems – and who’s fault? He blame the penis. All I’m saying is, maybe he don’t need wear a cup no more, you know?”
In recent years, penis problems in the Brazilian MMA community have increasingly come to light involving fighters using ‘steroids’ in order to gain an edge in the bedroom, with pundits claiming the country’s history of unfettered machismo is to blame. One thing is clear – with Anderson Silva holding the longest title reign and most consecutive title defences in UFC history, it seems he’s finally met his match…and it is in his own pants.
It seems like every other day a new fighter is going down for ‘performance enhancement’. Yoel Romero, Frank Mir, Lyoto Machida and that Russian Guy from the Tampa card on the weekend are the most recent examples.
It’s no surprise that elite athletes might seek a competitive advantage. They compete under a business model that only pays them when they compete and pays them double when they win. But whether the fighter blames roided-out kangaroo meat or supplemental taints, it is obvious that we are facing a crisis.
Rumours are everywhere. They start out as whispers. Turn into a chorus. Before long, people begin to beat the drums, screaming in rage at the injustices in front of them.
The athletes in our sport are jacked to the gills in an attempt to gain an edge. And what they’re jacked on… P.O.D.s.
Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. This week we look at UFC on Fox 19, a fight card expected to take us back in time until Lyoto Machida was scratched. It’s the most exciting thing to hit the Tampa metropolitan area since Hulk Hogan’s sex tape trial a few weeks ago. Check out the previous instalment.
Somebody pops for steroids during the walkout: +550
There are no steroid tests during the walkouts. There’s not even really a feasible way for it to happen. It would literally take a fighter to pee their pants in fear and then fall over crotch-first onto some testing equipment owned by USADA. I know people are thinking about taking this bet based on the spirit of the times, but seriously, they’re sucking you in to take your money. I mean, who falls over crotch-first?
Many MMA fighters have losses. A list of combatants with losses reads like a who’s who of the sport. Dada 5000, no relation to Powerman 5000, is not one of them.
Anderson Silva and Fedor Emelianenko both lost to Father Time. Jon Jones lost to the rulebook, and later, some funyuns. Georges St Pierre lost to a Level 3 Fire Dwarf wielding an overhand right with +10 damage. Dada 5000 loses to no man.