The MMA world has plunged into near-suicidal despair after Jones vs Cormier II has been cut from UFC214 just hours after weigh-in was completed. This is the third time the scheduled bout has been cancelled following previous lawbreaking shenanigans. UFC president Dana White has gone on the record saying “We’re never making this fight again. Ever. Forget about it. It’s over.”
In a shocking development, the fight has been cancelled not over Jon Jones’ narcotic indiscretions, but because of Daniel Cormier breaking contractual obligations with Reebok. The hirsute 47-year-old was snapped at an open workout fan session decked out in garb emblazoned with favourites from the good old days, which an inside source was worth $100K to the “champ”.
The fan session descended into chaos when the UFC’s head honcho physically intervened to save the brand’s sponsorship investment with Reebok, luring Cormier from the mat with promises of chocolate cake.
Reports that Cormier’s onesie was emblazoned in a full Hoelzer Reich backpiece remain unconfirmed.
Employee of the Month is a monthly award given out to some of our exemplary employees here in the Cage Burn Kingdom. We recognise the unique space that we inhabit in this unique sport. We recognise that in order for us to have content, we require colossal blunders from people teetering on the brink of insanity. And so this month, we recognise:
Employee of the Month, April 2016 – Gregory McConnors (Industrial Relations Officer)
During the month of April, nobody did more than this newcomer on the Cage Burn scene, Gregory. He spent much of the month improving the company through his expansive knowledge and application of industrial relations.
He was a valuable go-between bridging the gap between management and employees, doing the majority of his yeoman’s work while on secondment in Iceland. Innovations in his use of social media should to be the difference. Without his dedication and hard work, we can truly say we might have had zero work during April.
We’re also extremely grateful to long-term content creator Conor McGregor for recommending this previously unearthed gem to us. Apparently they were lifelong friends who had met as children while on holiday in a town called Nilbud.
Many other employees could have staked a claim to this month’s award. We would like to thank Jonathan for his work with our security team and young Diego for his work after hours with our loss prevention unit at one of our establishments. Diego was a favourite for the Award until Gregory came on the scene, and we are particularly fond of him here at Cage Burn, owing to him battling a semi-crippling drug addiction and overcoming a previously violent past. If only we had the power to give out three awards.
To view other employees of the month…
Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. This week we look at UFC 197, an event featuring arguably the two best pound for pound fighters in the world. Marred by the abrupt withdrawal of Daniel Cormier, the card still packs some power with names and quality match-ups from top to bottom. Enjoy!
Conor McGregor flies into the arena a la ‘Fanman’ to drop a turd in the centre of the Octagon™: +800
Don’t believe the hype on this prop bet. Sure, McGregor might take to fancy parachuting, and he might fly into the MGM Grand Garden Arena and he might drop a turd… but that turd will not be directed at the centre of The Octagon™ my friend.
Continue reading “Burn the Books: UFC 197”
Jonathan “Bones” Jones, one of the greatest fighters of all-time, is not even impervious to MMAeth’s pervasive grasp. On top of the world at one moment, in the depths of addiction the next, the former UFC Light Heavyweight champion nearly lost it all while battling his demons.
How can you tell if a friend or fighter close to you is struggling? Erratic behaviour, running from hit-and-runs with fistfuls of cash and purchasing oversized African cats are key indicators. Two nights in jail may have quenched his thirst, but until then we hope Jon gets his life in order.
Click here for more Faces of MMAeth.
Just as opponent Jon Jones was being released from jail for violating his parole, it is now being revealed that Daniel Cormier, Light Heavyweight Champion of the UFC, will be forced to miss their impending title bout at UFC 197. The two fighters have shared barbs and insults over the years, with a genuine animosity appearing to exist between the two.
Bumps and bruises are common in our favoured form of fisticuffs. Fighters frequently enter the octagon (or eight-sided caged shaped fighting surface if you don’t own the copyright to the name of the shape) hurt, as entering the cage is the only way to get paid. But Cormier has suffered an injury that knows no recovery time, one that knows no limits to the pain it can cause a person.
Cormier will miss UFC 197 with an injured sense of justice.
Continue reading “Daniel Cormier to Miss UFC 197 with Injured Sense of Justice”
In a shocking turn of events, this morning’s reported arrest of former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones has been revealed as a hoax.
UFC brass are currently investigating brash calls from current UFC Light Heavyweight ‘Champion’ Daniel Cormier to once again strip Jon Jones of his title. Allegedly, when an unidentifiable bald white man in a suit pointed out that Cormier was still kinda sorta considered the champ, DC apparently got very shifty-eyed and started stuttering that he was always the champ, always would be the champ, and didn’t need special treatment just because he had a clinical addiction to Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups.
Continue reading “Jon Jones Arrest Revealed as Hoax”