Cage Burn Horoscopes: Week of 17 July 2017

Leo – That recurring dream where you keep grabbing referee Leon Roberts’ leg and escaping from side control while he’s on top of you waving his arms in an Octagon shaped cage with a lot of screaming people and loud noises and lights after you’ve just been poked in the eye a bunch just seems to get realer and realer.

Virgo – You’ve been calling into work sick with chronic sinusitis for years. The gig is up as it’s become all the rage globally in the last week and half. Looks like all four of your grandparents are going to have to die… again.

Libra – You will feel a great sense of pride for defending Conor’s honour against all of the Social Justice Wieners who said he was racist last week. He’s not a racist and neither are you. The kampf is real, mein freund. The kampf is real.

Scorpio – This week you will get so high that you’ll think that Nick Diaz vs Anderson Silva was one of the greatest fights in the history of MMA. These edibles are no joke, homey.

Sagittarius – Sure you spent your month’s earnings on enough meth to stay up for the entirety of the McGregor – Mayweather 4-day press tour fiasco. You’re probably losing your house, but how else would you have amassed such an abundant collection of blackened, broken light bulbs and a new girlfriend named Skretchen. PS: you will not like her stepson when he comes around on Thursday to borrow your old discman.

Capricorn – Just because you’re cool and let the neighbourhood kids fight and drink beer in your backyard and you have a giant purple head doesn’t mean you can go about getting your own ‘Contender Series’.

Aquarius – You still don’t know what a Godofredo Pepey is, but we’ve got word from the North Pole that Santa is going to shit down your chimney if you ask for one again this coming Holiday Season.

Pisces – You are coming to regret your decision to start a Twitter beef with Yoel Romero after he lights a cuban cigar using your social security card and a photo of your family home on his YouTube channel. Backroom negotiations will likely see you let off with a warning. But the next time, you’re losing a point.

Aries – While celebrating the 3rd week in a row that you haven’t been choked until you shit yourself, you end up drinking until you shit yourself. As such, I see a trip to Target to stock up on multipacks of undies in your very near future.

Taurus – People have been giving you a lot of grief about being a keyboard warrior over the last few weeks. Yeah, you called Amanda Nunes a coward, but only after you found her snivelling in your broom closet at work.

Gemini – You step into the octagon(™) to fight some madman named Bofando only to wake up with a searing headache and the news that Ed Sheeran was on Game of Thrones. The headache will ease, but the pain will not.

Cancer – Oh, sure, now there’s a Gegard Mousasi. What would these G.D. homos think if there was a Straightgard Mousasi? There’s nothing sacred to this M.F.ing PC liberal media agenda … MAGA< arghhh. Yeah, send this comment to Bloody Elbow… those commies need to know what you think.

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