Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor

Conor McGregor retired from MMA on Tuesday with the Tweet Heard ‘Round the World. The cryptic 140 character message left many people questioning its meaning. Was it a power play or a negotiation tool? Was he strongly affected by the recent death of Brazilian fighter Joao Carvalho at a Dublin MMA event he attended? Is he afraid of his rematch with Nate Diaz at UFC 200 or, more sinisterly, a pending drug test? Is he on MMAeth? The MMA-osphere was sent reeling, scouring for clues and answers.

A Cage Burn exclusive blows the cover on the otherwise unrevealed motivation behind the surprise retirement. What we’re about to reveal may shock sensibilities and conventional mores. McGregor is not afraid for his health, his career, his pay check or anything else. McGregor is, beholden to Satan!

There is no Dee Devlin. ‘Dee Devlin’ is in fact, an anagram for Need Devil.

McGregor needs the devil. So if you are searching for reason in his actions search no further.

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Sage Northcutt to Train BJJ with Katt Williams

News is surfacing that “Super” Sage Northcutt is going to fight on the upcoming blockbuster UFC 200 card in July against the unheralded Enrique Marin. The question on everyone’s mind is, “What is he going to do to shore up his jiu-jitsu game?”

Following his shocking tap at the UFC on Fox: Johnson vs Bader card in January to a barely there arm-triangle choke at the hands of Brian (sp?) Barberena, cries of overrated and overpaid were levied at the 20-year old doe-faced man child with the abs of titanium. Charges of favouritism by the UFC and preferential matchmaking have dogged his time with the promotion, but the Barberena loss highlighted how far he really has to go to reach the heights of the sport, especially in the ultra-competitive light and welterweight divisions.

Continue reading “Sage Northcutt to Train BJJ with Katt Williams”

ANNOUNCED – GSP’s opponent for UFC200

Capping off UFC’s historic July 9th marquee event, a bald white man in a suit today announced that a card which has so far received a so-so reception from fight fans is to be dragged into further random obscurity with the announcement that one of the promotion’s most highly regarded (and decorated) stars will return for a rubber match against one of his former rivals – and the only man to take the title from him.

This Level 3 Fire Dwarf managed to claim the title from Georges ‘Rush’ St-Pierre on April 7, 2007 with a Round 1 TKO. After regaining the (interim) title from Matt Hughes on December 29, 2007, the Montrealer went on to rematch the Level 3 Fire Dwarf on April 19, 2008, taking the honours with a Round 2 TKO and defending the title nine times thereafter – the second most title defences in history, right after Anderson ‘Drugspider’ Silva.

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The bout’s announcement has been met with widespread confusion. Kudos to the 26% of CageBurners who correctly guessed the answer in our poll two days ago!

Faces of MMAeth – Conor McGregor

The Notorious One was allegedly spotted walking around Dublin’s Abbey Street asking for “a Euro for the bus” before his bout with Diego Brandao on 19 July 2014. It seems this brush with MMAeth was enough of a scare for the svelt Crumlin man; he has since moved up to the Light Heavyweight division and is rumoured to be taking on the forces of Heaven at 205lb after he loses (again) to Stockton’s Finest at UFC 200 on July 9 2016.

Click here for more shocking Faces of MMAeth.

Cage Burn Salutes the UFC for Giving us 4 More Months of Touch Butt

On Friday, it was reported that Conor McGregor would face Nate Diaz once again, this time at UFC 200. With the highest profile fighters in the sport more popular than ever, the event will be a landmark on the MMA landscape and is expected to be stacked, top to bottom. While an entire fight card full of stars may stir the imaginations of both hardcore and softcore fans alike, what gets us up in the morning is touch butt.

We here at Cage Burn salute the UFC for giving us four more months of touch butt. Whether touch butt takes place in the park with dorks, or in the privacy of one’s home, is not important. What’s important is that it is talked about, endlessly, from now until July.

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Meisha Tate Turns Down Ronda Rousey Rematch

In breaking news, Meisha Tate, having recently won the UFC Women’s Bantamweight Title from Holly Holm, has knocked back a rematch with deposed diva Ronda Rousey.

UFC mouthpiece Dana White, following the stunning upset at UFC 196, had stated that Tate’s next fight would be against promotion favourite and media darling Rousey. Tate, however, laid waste to the bald blowhard’s plans, stating slowly and succinctly, “Dana, nobody wants to see Rousey – Tate 3.”

Continue reading “Meisha Tate Turns Down Ronda Rousey Rematch”