BREAKING – Anderson Silva: “Is No Steroids, Is My Penis”

Once again The Spider has become caught up in a web spun from his own silk – and by silk, we mean penis pills.

In breaking news, the Brazilian MMA superstar Anderson Silva (33-7-0) has dropped out of this weekend’s contest citing problems with his willy as the cause. Newcomer and spurned opponent Uriah Hall, the young pretender to Anderson’s throne, reports that his own doodle is just fine, and he’s happy to fight it out with anyone.

Coming off the back of a three fight losing streak, with a further bout vs Nick Diaz ruled a No Contest in January 2015 after Silva tested positive for steroids and Stockton’s finest tested positive for Sizzurp, weed, molly and PCP, sources close to the fighter from São Paulo cited “penis problems” as the cause of his injuries.

“Look man” said a training partner only identified as Ãençei Wãeńcê, “he’s not been the same since Weidman fucked him. After that my friend Júnior was round at Anderson’s house and the Spider and his wife, they were having the worst argument. Júnino, he hear Anderson wife screaming, ’Is so small! Is no work now!’, you know? Next thing, is disqualified after fight and blames it on penis pills. Now again he has problems – and who’s fault? He blame the penis. All I’m saying is, maybe he don’t need wear a cup no more, you know?”

In recent years, penis problems in the Brazilian MMA community have increasingly come to light involving fighters using ‘steroids’ in order to gain an edge in the bedroom, with pundits claiming the country’s history of unfettered machismo is to blame. One thing is clear – with Anderson Silva holding the longest title reign and most consecutive title defences in UFC history, it seems he’s finally met his match…and it is in his own pants.

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Artists’s Impression of Anderson’s Willy