UR Fight: UR Fucking Kidding Me!

What the hell happened last night in Phoenix, Arizona. Last time we checked, Phoenix was not in International Waters. Unless Bill Hicks’ Arizona Bay concept has come to fruition while I’ve been gacked up on day/night cold medicine for the past few days, there should still be some laws in Phoenix.

Giving new meaning to the phrase ‘Vale Tudo’, Roy Jones Jr knocked out a fan and Michael Bisping used mock elbows to try to soften up Chael Sonnen in a grappling match. WWE wrestlers did their thing and the ever-humble Rampage Jackson dropped a c-bomb. Tank Abbot almost fought on the card, for Christ’s sake.

But we here at Cage Burn can’t help but think we could’ve done better. After a weekend spent in an opiate-induced dream state, we’ve come up with the following fight card.

 

Touch Butt Demonstration: Ido Portal vs a Gazelle

Touch Butt, a previously unheralded martial art, was brought to the forefront of our imaginations recently. While most accept that Ido Portal, the art’s foremost practitioner, is at his most dangerous in the park, it will be interesting to see how he performs inside our patented dodecagon cage (12 sides for the math-inhibited).

 

Continue reading “UR Fight: UR Fucking Kidding Me!”

Cage Burn Salutes the UFC for Giving us 4 More Months of Touch Butt

On Friday, it was reported that Conor McGregor would face Nate Diaz once again, this time at UFC 200. With the highest profile fighters in the sport more popular than ever, the event will be a landmark on the MMA landscape and is expected to be stacked, top to bottom. While an entire fight card full of stars may stir the imaginations of both hardcore and softcore fans alike, what gets us up in the morning is touch butt.

We here at Cage Burn salute the UFC for giving us four more months of touch butt. Whether touch butt takes place in the park with dorks, or in the privacy of one’s home, is not important. What’s important is that it is talked about, endlessly, from now until July.

Continue reading “Cage Burn Salutes the UFC for Giving us 4 More Months of Touch Butt”