Chris Weidman Attributes Win Over Kelvin Gastelum to Cannabis Use

In a Cageburn exclusive, former UFC Middleweight Champion Chris Weidman has attributed his choke-out win over Kelvin Gastelum at #UFCLongIsland to his opponent’s “indescriminate and frankly dizzzope” use of marijuana. Prior to Weidman’s theft of Gastelum’s swag, the 25-year-old was observed smoking three joints in his dressing room, allowing him to adopt an exceptionally relaxed demeanour in the fight’s early rounds. Nevertheless, Weidman successfully navigated the mental hedgemaze of ganja to break a three-fight losing streak and bring home the W in the third round.

Continue reading “Chris Weidman Attributes Win Over Kelvin Gastelum to Cannabis Use”

BREAKING – Anderson Silva: “Is No Steroids, Is My Penis”

Once again The Spider has become caught up in a web spun from his own silk – and by silk, we mean penis pills.

In breaking news, the Brazilian MMA superstar Anderson Silva (33-7-0) has dropped out of this weekend’s contest citing problems with his willy as the cause. Newcomer and spurned opponent Uriah Hall, the young pretender to Anderson’s throne, reports that his own doodle is just fine, and he’s happy to fight it out with anyone.

Coming off the back of a three fight losing streak, with a further bout vs Nick Diaz ruled a No Contest in January 2015 after Silva tested positive for steroids and Stockton’s finest tested positive for Sizzurp, weed, molly and PCP, sources close to the fighter from São Paulo cited “penis problems” as the cause of his injuries.

“Look man” said a training partner only identified as Ãençei Wãeńcê, “he’s not been the same since Weidman fucked him. After that my friend Júnior was round at Anderson’s house and the Spider and his wife, they were having the worst argument. Júnino, he hear Anderson wife screaming, ’Is so small! Is no work now!’, you know? Next thing, is disqualified after fight and blames it on penis pills. Now again he has problems – and who’s fault? He blame the penis. All I’m saying is, maybe he don’t need wear a cup no more, you know?”

In recent years, penis problems in the Brazilian MMA community have increasingly come to light involving fighters using ‘steroids’ in order to gain an edge in the bedroom, with pundits claiming the country’s history of unfettered machismo is to blame. One thing is clear – with Anderson Silva holding the longest title reign and most consecutive title defences in UFC history, it seems he’s finally met his match…and it is in his own pants.

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Artists’s Impression of Anderson’s Willy

 

 

Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army

In a communiqué that rocked the MMA world, ex-junkie Conor McGregor has just announced his Glorious Five Year Plan to collectivise and unionise the sport’s athletes.

Rumour and innuendo have run rampant since The Tweet Heard Around The World was sent out two days ago announcing his retirement. Proposed motivations swung from fear of Nate Diaz, to fear of USADA, to fear of success. But Comrade McGregor knows no fear. He only knows solidarity, unity, strength.

The announcement was accompanied by the formation of a new union, of which Comrade Conor will be the head, the Mixed Martial Arts Fighters Union or MMAFU. Along with the formation of the union, a call-to-arms was issued for the Red Panty Army (RPA) to sally forth and take key infrastructure and positions.  Continue reading “Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army”

Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor

Conor McGregor retired from MMA on Tuesday with the Tweet Heard ‘Round the World. The cryptic 140 character message left many people questioning its meaning. Was it a power play or a negotiation tool? Was he strongly affected by the recent death of Brazilian fighter Joao Carvalho at a Dublin MMA event he attended? Is he afraid of his rematch with Nate Diaz at UFC 200 or, more sinisterly, a pending drug test? Is he on MMAeth? The MMA-osphere was sent reeling, scouring for clues and answers.

A Cage Burn exclusive blows the cover on the otherwise unrevealed motivation behind the surprise retirement. What we’re about to reveal may shock sensibilities and conventional mores. McGregor is not afraid for his health, his career, his pay check or anything else. McGregor is, beholden to Satan!

There is no Dee Devlin. ‘Dee Devlin’ is in fact, an anagram for Need Devil.

McGregor needs the devil. So if you are searching for reason in his actions search no further.

Continue reading “Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor”

Bellator Announces Signing of New Welterweight: Gregory McConnors

The recent competition between MMA’s two premier promotions to scoop up all available talent has heated up to lava-level proportions. Bellator and President Scott Coker have had a run of success signing big name free agents. Now you can add another to the list.

Today Bellator (which is Italian for beautiful tor) announced the signing of up and coming free agent Gregory McConnors. The outstanding prospect is slated to fight the winner of this weekend’s Benson Henderson vs Russian Guy bout for the promotion’s welterweight title.

Continue reading “Bellator Announces Signing of New Welterweight: Gregory McConnors”

BREAKING: Nurmagedomev replacement for Ferguson revealed

The world of MMA was in despair today as Russian virtuoso Khabib Abdulmanapovich Nurmagomedov once more had his competitive aspirations dragged into uncertainty. The world-renowned hardman, famous for wrestling actual BEARS as a child, has had a hard run of it with injury after injury over the past few years.

This time, however, it’s not Nurmy…it’s his opponent, Tony Ferguson. Forced to withdraw from his upcoming appearance on UFC on FOX 19 due to blood in his lung (!!), the fearsome bruiser known as ‘El Cucuy’ is on a seven fight win streak and as such, his match-up with Nurmagomedov was highly anticipated.

The news has seen a raft of the UFC’s top talent calling to be the replacement, with everyone from Donald ‘Cowboy’ Cerrone to Rafael Dos Anjos calling out the Russian maniac.

Today, CageBurnMMA can exclusive reveal that Nurmagomedov’s opponent for April 16 has just been revealed – and it is a pack of Siberian wolves.

While the devout Muslim’s judo skills and sambo pedigree are not to be taken lightly, it remains to be seen how much of match they are for the razor sharp teeth, vicious rending claws and highly evolved pack instinct of one of the greatest predators of the natural world.

Reached for comment, the Russian declined to comment, merely peeping out from under his funny hat and shrugging in a wonderfully stoic Russian manner.

Daniel Cormier to Miss UFC 197 with Injured Sense of Justice

Just as opponent Jon Jones was being released from jail for violating his parole, it is now being revealed that Daniel Cormier, Light Heavyweight Champion of the UFC, will be forced to miss their impending title bout at UFC 197. The two fighters have shared barbs and insults over the years, with a genuine animosity appearing to exist between the two.

Bumps and bruises are common in our favoured form of fisticuffs. Fighters frequently enter the octagon (or eight-sided caged shaped fighting surface if you don’t own the copyright to the name of the shape) hurt, as entering the cage is the only way to get paid. But Cormier has suffered an injury that knows no recovery time, one that knows no limits to the pain it can cause a person.

Cormier will miss UFC 197 with an injured sense of justice.

Continue reading “Daniel Cormier to Miss UFC 197 with Injured Sense of Justice”

Sage Northcutt to Train BJJ with Katt Williams

News is surfacing that “Super” Sage Northcutt is going to fight on the upcoming blockbuster UFC 200 card in July against the unheralded Enrique Marin. The question on everyone’s mind is, “What is he going to do to shore up his jiu-jitsu game?”

Following his shocking tap at the UFC on Fox: Johnson vs Bader card in January to a barely there arm-triangle choke at the hands of Brian (sp?) Barberena, cries of overrated and overpaid were levied at the 20-year old doe-faced man child with the abs of titanium. Charges of favouritism by the UFC and preferential matchmaking have dogged his time with the promotion, but the Barberena loss highlighted how far he really has to go to reach the heights of the sport, especially in the ultra-competitive light and welterweight divisions.

Continue reading “Sage Northcutt to Train BJJ with Katt Williams”

ANNOUNCED – GSP’s opponent for UFC200

Capping off UFC’s historic July 9th marquee event, a bald white man in a suit today announced that a card which has so far received a so-so reception from fight fans is to be dragged into further random obscurity with the announcement that one of the promotion’s most highly regarded (and decorated) stars will return for a rubber match against one of his former rivals – and the only man to take the title from him.

This Level 3 Fire Dwarf managed to claim the title from Georges ‘Rush’ St-Pierre on April 7, 2007 with a Round 1 TKO. After regaining the (interim) title from Matt Hughes on December 29, 2007, the Montrealer went on to rematch the Level 3 Fire Dwarf on April 19, 2008, taking the honours with a Round 2 TKO and defending the title nine times thereafter – the second most title defences in history, right after Anderson ‘Drugspider’ Silva.

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The bout’s announcement has been met with widespread confusion. Kudos to the 26% of CageBurners who correctly guessed the answer in our poll two days ago!

LEAKED – GSP’s Opponent For UFC 200

With the rumour mill in overdrive all week, a source close to UFC top brass has released the shortlist for GSP’s prospective UFC 200 opponents.

Will it be classic Ryu & Ken tale of master vs apprentice?
Will it be an ascendant private investigator turned MMA fighter?
Will it be a gruelling winner-takes-all cheeseburger eating contest with a former opponent?
Or will it be a Level 3 Fire Dwarf wielding an overhand right with +10 damage?

***UPDATE*** – the news is out.