BREAKING!!! Jones vs Cormier pulled from UFC214 after Reebok drama

The MMA world has plunged into near-suicidal despair after Jones vs Cormier II has been cut from UFC214 just hours after weigh-in was completed. This is the third time the scheduled bout has been cancelled following previous lawbreaking shenanigans. UFC president Dana White has gone on the record saying “We’re never making this fight again. Ever. Forget about it. It’s over.”

In a shocking development, the fight has been cancelled not over Jon Jones’ narcotic indiscretions, but because of Daniel Cormier breaking contractual obligations with Reebok. The hirsute 47-year-old was snapped at an open workout fan session decked out in garb emblazoned with favourites from the good old days, which an inside source was worth $100K to the “champ”.

The fan session descended into chaos when the UFC’s head honcho physically intervened to save the brand’s sponsorship investment with Reebok, luring Cormier from the mat with promises of chocolate cake.

cormier_sponsors

Reports that Cormier’s onesie was emblazoned in a full Hoelzer Reich backpiece remain unconfirmed.

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Daniel Cormier to Miss UFC 197 with Injured Sense of Justice

Just as opponent Jon Jones was being released from jail for violating his parole, it is now being revealed that Daniel Cormier, Light Heavyweight Champion of the UFC, will be forced to miss their impending title bout at UFC 197. The two fighters have shared barbs and insults over the years, with a genuine animosity appearing to exist between the two.

Bumps and bruises are common in our favoured form of fisticuffs. Fighters frequently enter the octagon (or eight-sided caged shaped fighting surface if you don’t own the copyright to the name of the shape) hurt, as entering the cage is the only way to get paid. But Cormier has suffered an injury that knows no recovery time, one that knows no limits to the pain it can cause a person.

Cormier will miss UFC 197 with an injured sense of justice.

Continue reading “Daniel Cormier to Miss UFC 197 with Injured Sense of Justice”

Jon Jones Arrest Revealed as Hoax

In a shocking turn of events, this morning’s reported arrest of former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Jon Jones has been revealed as a hoax.

UFC brass are currently investigating brash calls from current UFC Light Heavyweight ‘Champion’ Daniel Cormier to once again strip Jon Jones of his title. Allegedly, when an unidentifiable bald white man in a suit pointed out that Cormier was still kinda sorta considered the champ, DC apparently got very shifty-eyed and started stuttering that he was always the champ, always would be the champ, and didn’t need special treatment just because he had a clinical addiction to Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups.

Continue reading “Jon Jones Arrest Revealed as Hoax”