The MMA world has plunged into near-suicidal despair after Jones vs Cormier II has been cut from UFC214 just hours after weigh-in was completed. This is the third time the scheduled bout has been cancelled following previous lawbreaking shenanigans. UFC president Dana White has gone on the record saying “We’re never making this fight again. Ever. Forget about it. It’s over.”
In a shocking development, the fight has been cancelled not over Jon Jones’ narcotic indiscretions, but because of Daniel Cormier breaking contractual obligations with Reebok. The hirsute 47-year-old was snapped at an open workout fan session decked out in garb emblazoned with favourites from the good old days, which an inside source was worth $100K to the “champ”.
The fan session descended into chaos when the UFC’s head honcho physically intervened to save the brand’s sponsorship investment with Reebok, luring Cormier from the mat with promises of chocolate cake.
Reports that Cormier’s onesie was emblazoned in a full Hoelzer Reich backpiece remain unconfirmed.
In a Cageburn exclusive, former UFC Middleweight Champion Chris Weidman has attributed his choke-out win over Kelvin Gastelum at #UFCLongIsland to his opponent’s “indescriminate and frankly dizzzope” use of marijuana. Prior to Weidman’s theft of Gastelum’s swag, the 25-year-old was observed smoking three joints in his dressing room, allowing him to adopt an exceptionally relaxed demeanour in the fight’s early rounds. Nevertheless, Weidman successfully navigated the mental hedgemaze of ganja to break a three-fight losing streak and bring home the W in the third round.
Leo – That recurring dream where you keep grabbing referee Leon Roberts’ leg and escaping from side control while he’s on top of you waving his arms in an Octagon shaped cage with a lot of screaming people and loud noises and lights after you’ve just been poked in the eye a bunch just seems to get realer and realer.
Virgo – You’ve been calling into work sick with chronic sinusitis for years. The gig is up as it’s become all the rage globally in the last week and half. Looks like all four of your grandparents are going to have to die… again.
Leo – That leathery old black man who keeps following you around and slurring his words at you angrily is not a figment of your imagination. He’s real… and you must fight his son to keep possession of your soul.
Virgo – You will be asked to judge an “MMA event” in a barn in Iowa. While the circumstances might seem mysterious and the promoter is shadowy, you’ll never have another chance to see a man wrestle a goat for money.
Once again The Spider has become caught up in a web spun from his own silk – and by silk, we mean penis pills.
In breaking news, the Brazilian MMA superstar Anderson Silva (33-7-0) has dropped out of this weekend’s contest citing problems with his willy as the cause. Newcomer and spurned opponent Uriah Hall, the young pretender to Anderson’s throne, reports that his own doodle is just fine, and he’s happy to fight it out with anyone.
Coming off the back of a three fight losing streak, with a further bout vs Nick Diaz ruled a No Contest in January 2015 after Silva tested positive for steroids and Stockton’s finest tested positive for Sizzurp, weed, molly and PCP, sources close to the fighter from São Paulo cited “penis problems” as the cause of his injuries.
“Look man” said a training partner only identified as Ãençei Wãeńcê, “he’s not been the same since Weidman fucked him. After that my friend Júnior was round at Anderson’s house and the Spider and his wife, they were having the worst argument. Júnino, he hear Anderson wife screaming, ’Is so small! Is no work now!’, you know? Next thing, is disqualified after fight and blames it on penis pills. Now again he has problems – and who’s fault? He blame the penis. All I’m saying is, maybe he don’t need wear a cup no more, you know?”
In recent years, penis problems in the Brazilian MMA community have increasingly come to light involving fighters using ‘steroids’ in order to gain an edge in the bedroom, with pundits claiming the country’s history of unfettered machismo is to blame. One thing is clear – with Anderson Silva holding the longest title reign and most consecutive title defences in UFC history, it seems he’s finally met his match…and it is in his own pants.
Employee of the Month is a monthly award given out to some of our exemplary employees here in the Cage Burn Kingdom. We recognise the unique space that we inhabit in this unique sport. We recognise that in order for us to have content, we require colossal blunders from people teetering on the brink of insanity. And so this month, we recognise:
Employee of the Month, April 2016 – Gregory McConnors (Industrial Relations Officer)
During the month of April, nobody did more than this newcomer on the Cage Burn scene, Gregory. He spent much of the month improving the company through his expansive knowledge and application of industrial relations.
He was a valuable go-between bridging the gap between management and employees, doing the majority of his yeoman’s work while on secondment in Iceland. Innovations in his use of social media should to be the difference. Without his dedication and hard work, we can truly say we might have had zero work during April.
We’re also extremely grateful to long-term content creator Conor McGregor for recommending this previously unearthed gem to us. Apparently they were lifelong friends who had met as children while on holiday in a town called Nilbud.
Many other employees could have staked a claim to this month’s award. We would like to thank Jonathan for his work with our security team and young Diego for his work after hours with our loss prevention unit at one of our establishments. Diego was a favourite for the Award until Gregory came on the scene, and we are particularly fond of him here at Cage Burn, owing to him battling a semi-crippling drug addiction and overcoming a previously violent past. If only we had the power to give out three awards.
It is with great sadness that we at Cage Burn today wave goodbye to a legendary Irish pioneer in the arena of no-holds-barred unarmed combat with an honourary posting to the halls of MMAeth.
Paddy Holohan has just announced his retirement and – all joking aside – this sudden and unexpected news has robbed the MMA community of a unique and inspirational figure.
Paddy ‘The Hooligan’ Holohan has proven to be an immense source of pride to the youth of Tallaght, precisely because of how he sidestepped the allure of heroin – at epidemic levels in the West Dublin suburb – to find success in Mixed Martial Arts.
‘The Hooligan’ is a particularly noteworthy figure amongst the Faces of MAAeth primarily because he so ably demonstrates that, no matter what your background, social strata or reasons for retiring…that if you truly embrace the MMAeth lifestyle…you will eventually reach a point at which no-one can even tell whether or not you are actually on the MAAeth.
Respect to the man – Insha’Allah, your future endeavours will be a huge success.
Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. This week we look at UFC 197, an event featuring arguably the two best pound for pound fighters in the world. Marred by the abrupt withdrawal of Daniel Cormier, the card still packs some power with names and quality match-ups from top to bottom. Enjoy!
Conor McGregor flies into the arena a la ‘Fanman’ to drop a turd in the centre of the Octagon™: +800
Don’t believe the hype on this prop bet. Sure, McGregor might take to fancy parachuting, and he might fly into the MGM Grand Garden Arena and he might drop a turd… but that turd will not be directed at the centre of The Octagon™ my friend.
In a communiqué that rocked the MMA world, ex-junkie Conor McGregor has just announced his Glorious Five Year Plan to collectivise and unionise the sport’s athletes.
Rumour and innuendo have run rampant since The Tweet Heard Around The World was sent out two days ago announcing his retirement. Proposed motivations swung from fear of Nate Diaz, to fear of USADA, to fear of success. But Comrade McGregor knows no fear. He only knows solidarity, unity, strength.
The announcement was accompanied by the formation of a new union, of which Comrade Conor will be the head, the Mixed Martial Arts Fighters Union or MMAFU. Along with the formation of the union, a call-to-arms was issued for the Red Panty Army (RPA) to sally forth and take key infrastructure and positions. Continue reading “Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army”