Leo – That leathery old black man who keeps following you around and slurring his words at you angrily is not a figment of your imagination. He’s real… and you must fight his son to keep possession of your soul.
Virgo – You will be asked to judge an “MMA event” in a barn in Iowa. While the circumstances might seem mysterious and the promoter is shadowy, you’ll never have another chance to see a man wrestle a goat for money.
Libra – As unflattering as your Fight Finder photo may be, it’s still ten times better than the one I’ve been trying to convince them to use of you.
Scorpio – Blood, blood everywhere, but not a drop to drink!
Sagittarius – While you can get away with soccer kicking people half your size in the face in a ring in Japan, you should probably stop doing it on public transport.
Capricorn – Matt Hammil can not hear what you are saying. Raising your voice isn’t helping the situation, and you just look like a dick.
Aquarius – Remember when you said you’d do anything to get into the UFC? The time has come to pay up. The cosmos needs you to kill the person immediately to your right. No… your other right. SMH.
Pisces – This week is finally the time for you to try out all of that spinnin’ shit you’ve been practicing in the mirror at the gym.
Aries – Things are finally looking up for you this week. You will not be choked until you poop yourself.
Taurus – If you accept an invitation to visit Chechen Warlord Ramzan Kadyrov’s palace you are a piece of shit. This goes for you too, Pisces.
Gemini – The God of War summons you to help him smite his enemies and wreak havoc upon the realm of mortal men. Keep your phone nearby as you might be a late replacement for a headline event on a reservation outside of Tucson. Either way, you’re getting paid.
Cancer – Remember when your older cousin told you that if you win the fight, you win the girl. Congratulations, Mr Rousey.