So there I am, yeah, only five minutes home after flyin’ round the whole bleedin’ world for them fookin press conferences. I’m about to get into me 24 Carat Chinese Silk Superman pajamas and throw me feet up in the McMansion, when the phone rings. Who’s on the line only Ramzan bleedin’ Kadyrov! I’m there, Ramadan Whozakov? It turns out he’s only a bleedin’ WARLORD and an MMA promoter. So he tells me he’s made a “gentlemen’s agreement” with Dana for a deathmatch between the UFC and his team and he wants me to come over and train them for a day! The chap’s a dictator over in Azerbaijan or somewhere and he’s pals with all these knobheads – Tyson, Mayweather, even yer man Chris Weidman, that dope who got lucky when The Spider was his way out. And wait’ll ya hear this, Khabib, the lad who had a scrap with a pack of wolves – he’s Kadyrov’s little fookin lovechild! They done a genetics test and ev’ryting.
Anyway, I hang up, and next thing he’s slaggin me off on Instagram! The world’s so-called “most prolific political strongman” on social media, slaggin ME, Conor McGregor? I’m not havin tha‘.
Kavanagh’s there, “Conor, he’s offerin’ four fookin million for an afternoon doin judo on a yacht. Are ya in?”
Am I fook! A dictator? I’m a man of the people. I respect the man who works for his money, who claws his way to the top, by his own hard work. This dope had everything handed to him by his Da. Not a good Comrade. So he slags me off on the ‘gram, yeah, and I start puttin me ear to the ground. What do I find out? He’s only after gettin stromtroopers to round up all the gays in Chechnya and torture them in bleedin’ prison camps! He’s had gay lads released from prison early so their relatives could kill them. Are ya bleedin SERIOUS, Kad? I’ll fookin choke you out, son.
Now you KNOW that I’m all about the Netanyahus, but even I have my limits. How far will I go for them Benjamins? I will insult a man. I will beat a man down. But I’m not hangin around with some dozy Chechen warlord cunt who goes around murdering queers. Fook tha’. The lad’s a mentaller.
Get this – he even got his three young fellas, little lads no older than 12, to have a bleedin’ cage fight! I’m serious. No messin. One of the bouts ended in a TKO. Of a kid! Even Fedor said it was fooked up, and then the Chechen politicians started slagging off poor Fedor and saying they’d burst him. For fook sake!
And wait for it – who else comes out in favour of Kad, only that champagne socialist PRICK Jeff Monson! C’mere to me Comrade Monson – do you even know the first thing about Marxist dialectics? Cos I’ll tell ya one thing – if you think Glorious Five Year Plan will be achieved by murdering gays, I’ll bounce your big fat dopey head off the fookin means of production, righ’? Fook off back to Dancing With The Czars ya bourgeoisie rubberhead.
“Comrade McGregor” I hear you cry. “Would you not get the four mil and use it for something good?”
Look – I’m a man of principles. It’s not happenin’. Anyway, four million is fookin chump change to me. Now if he’d offered forty million…
Till next time Comrades – choke out the bosses. One struggle, one fight!