The MMA world has plunged into near-suicidal despair after Jones vs Cormier II has been cut from UFC214 just hours after weigh-in was completed. This is the third time the scheduled bout has been cancelled following previous lawbreaking shenanigans. UFC president Dana White has gone on the record saying “We’re never making this fight again. Ever. Forget about it. It’s over.”
In a shocking development, the fight has been cancelled not over Jon Jones’ narcotic indiscretions, but because of Daniel Cormier breaking contractual obligations with Reebok. The hirsute 47-year-old was snapped at an open workout fan session decked out in garb emblazoned with favourites from the good old days, which an inside source was worth $100K to the “champ”.
The fan session descended into chaos when the UFC’s head honcho physically intervened to save the brand’s sponsorship investment with Reebok, luring Cormier from the mat with promises of chocolate cake.
Reports that Cormier’s onesie was emblazoned in a full Hoelzer Reich backpiece remain unconfirmed.
Once again The Spider has become caught up in a web spun from his own silk – and by silk, we mean penis pills.
In breaking news, the Brazilian MMA superstar Anderson Silva (33-7-0) has dropped out of this weekend’s contest citing problems with his willy as the cause. Newcomer and spurned opponent Uriah Hall, the young pretender to Anderson’s throne, reports that his own doodle is just fine, and he’s happy to fight it out with anyone.
Coming off the back of a three fight losing streak, with a further bout vs Nick Diaz ruled a No Contest in January 2015 after Silva tested positive for steroids and Stockton’s finest tested positive for Sizzurp, weed, molly and PCP, sources close to the fighter from São Paulo cited “penis problems” as the cause of his injuries.
“Look man” said a training partner only identified as Ãençei Wãeńcê, “he’s not been the same since Weidman fucked him. After that my friend Júnior was round at Anderson’s house and the Spider and his wife, they were having the worst argument. Júnino, he hear Anderson wife screaming, ’Is so small! Is no work now!’, you know? Next thing, is disqualified after fight and blames it on penis pills. Now again he has problems – and who’s fault? He blame the penis. All I’m saying is, maybe he don’t need wear a cup no more, you know?”
In recent years, penis problems in the Brazilian MMA community have increasingly come to light involving fighters using ‘steroids’ in order to gain an edge in the bedroom, with pundits claiming the country’s history of unfettered machismo is to blame. One thing is clear – with Anderson Silva holding the longest title reign and most consecutive title defences in UFC history, it seems he’s finally met his match…and it is in his own pants.
Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. Today we take a look at UFC Fight Night: Overeem vs Arlovski from Rotterdam, NetherRegions, the Cleveland of Europe. It’s also the largest port on the old continent, which means that if you’ve ever done cocaine in Europe, there’s a good chance it came through Rotterdam!
Arlovski reveals himself to be a Slavic Werebear now that he’s closer to his native soil and everlasting immortality: +515
The chances of Andrei Arlovski actually being a werebear is relatively high. But ever since the Twilight Octrilogy was released, the younger generations might be inclined to think he’s a vampire. He’s clearly a werebear, you idiots. But, despite what you geographically retarded Americans might think, Rotterdam is not that close to Ex-Russiaslavia. He’s not ‘coming out’ here.
You know when you go to look up a fight card on Wikipedia and you come across fighters with no Wiki page? WTF, right? As far as we’re concerned, anyone on a UFC card should have a page. In lieu of actual knowledge of the fighters, we here at Cage Burn have been forced to create Bios for these Wiki-less fighters. You can help!
Name: Anna Elmose
Nickname: The Fire Muppet
It is with great sadness that we at Cage Burn today wave goodbye to a legendary Irish pioneer in the arena of no-holds-barred unarmed combat with an honourary posting to the halls of MMAeth.
Paddy Holohan has just announced his retirement and – all joking aside – this sudden and unexpected news has robbed the MMA community of a unique and inspirational figure.
Paddy ‘The Hooligan’ Holohan has proven to be an immense source of pride to the youth of Tallaght, precisely because of how he sidestepped the allure of heroin – at epidemic levels in the West Dublin suburb – to find success in Mixed Martial Arts.
‘The Hooligan’ is a particularly noteworthy figure amongst the Faces of MAAeth primarily because he so ably demonstrates that, no matter what your background, social strata or reasons for retiring…that if you truly embrace the MMAeth lifestyle…you will eventually reach a point at which no-one can even tell whether or not you are actually on the MAAeth.
Respect to the man – Insha’Allah, your future endeavours will be a huge success.
Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. This week we look at UFC 197, an event featuring arguably the two best pound for pound fighters in the world. Marred by the abrupt withdrawal of Daniel Cormier, the card still packs some power with names and quality match-ups from top to bottom. Enjoy!
Conor McGregor flies into the arena a la ‘Fanman’ to drop a turd in the centre of the Octagon™: +800
Don’t believe the hype on this prop bet. Sure, McGregor might take to fancy parachuting, and he might fly into the MGM Grand Garden Arena and he might drop a turd… but that turd will not be directed at the centre of The Octagon™ my friend.
In a communiqué that rocked the MMA world, ex-junkie Conor McGregor has just announced his Glorious Five Year Plan to collectivise and unionise the sport’s athletes.
Rumour and innuendo have run rampant since The Tweet Heard Around The World was sent out two days ago announcing his retirement. Proposed motivations swung from fear of Nate Diaz, to fear of USADA, to fear of success. But Comrade McGregor knows no fear. He only knows solidarity, unity, strength.
The announcement was accompanied by the formation of a new union, of which Comrade Conor will be the head, the Mixed Martial Arts Fighters Union or MMAFU. Along with the formation of the union, a call-to-arms was issued for the Red Panty Army (RPA) to sally forth and take key infrastructure and positions. Continue reading “Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army”
Henry Cejudo is an Olympic gold medalist. Henry Cejudo is the #2 ranked fighter in the UFC’s flyweight division. Henry Cejudo is scheduled to fight Demetrius Johnson for the championship this weekend at UFC 197. But is he all he says he is? Born in Los Angeles, California? Born in 1987? Fighting out of Phoenix, Arizona? But is he?
A shocking image emerged following Rafael dos Anjos’ (Portuguese for double anus) upset victory over Anthony Pettis to claim the UFC’s lightweight title. When dos Anjos’ family entered the Octagon to witness their father be badgered by Joe Rogan in his second language, it caught our attention that his youngest son, Gustavo, is no other than Henry Cejudo! That’s right, folks. You heard it here! Continue reading “Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?”
Poor old Diego’s on a bit of a downward spiral. After a widely publicised loss to a fellow MMAeth abuser he got back into the wins column for a couple of bouts, even netting a Performance of the Night bonus vs Katsunori Kikuno with a TKO in Japan.
However, after testing positive for Marijuana following a triangle choke loss after a spirited contest vs Brian Ortega at UFC 195 back in January, the Brazilian wax merchant has been on the slippery slope to skid row.
As reported by MMAjunkie, “Early this past Thursday morning, Brandao allegedly fought three employees at the downtown Albuquerque club Knockouts before returning to brandish a gun, according to an arrest warrant obtained today”.
In an official UFC statement, the organisation claimed to be “concerned by the nature of the reported allegations” but refused to comment on further allegations that the 28-year-old Jackson-Wink fighter had started the fight due to the DJ’s refusal to play Danish eurodance group Aqua’s breakthrough 1997 hit ‘Barbie Girl’.
A teammate of Brandao’s at Jackson-Wink did, however, confirm that the Albuquerque-based UFC fighter had a penchant for ‘motor boating’ strippers to said pop song. Diego is well-liked at the world-class training facility, where he is also much admired for his skill in ‘helicoptering’ his penis whilst singing the lyrics to ‘Barbie Girl‘ at the top of his voice in the changing rooms.