BREAKING – Anderson Silva: “Is No Steroids, Is My Penis”

Once again The Spider has become caught up in a web spun from his own silk – and by silk, we mean penis pills. In breaking news, the Brazilian MMA superstar Anderson Silva (33-7-0) has dropped out of this weekend’s contest citing problems with his willy as the cause. Newcomer and spurned opponent Uriah Hall, the young pretender to Anderson’s throne, reports that his own … Continue reading BREAKING – Anderson Silva: “Is No Steroids, Is My Penis”

Burn the Books – UFC Fight Night: Overeem vs Arlovski

Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. Today we take a look at UFC Fight Night: Overeem vs Arlovski from Rotterdam, NetherRegions, the Cleveland of Europe. It’s also the largest port on the old continent, which means that if you’ve ever done cocaine in Europe, there’s a good chance it came through Rotterdam!

For previous entries into the Burn the Books series, click here.

Arlovski reveals himself to be a Slavic Werebear now that he’s closer to his native soil and everlasting immortality: +515

The chances of Andrei Arlovski actually being a werebear is relatively high. But ever since the Twilight Octrilogy was released, the younger generations might be inclined to think he’s a vampire. He’s clearly a werebear, you idiots. But, despite what you geographically retarded Americans might think, Rotterdam is not that close to Ex-Russiaslavia. He’s not ‘coming out’ here.

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Create-a-Fighter: Anna Elmose

You know when you go to look up a fight card on Wikipedia and you come across fighters with no Wiki page? WTF, right? As far as we’re concerned, anyone on a UFC card should have a page. In lieu of actual knowledge of the fighters, we here at Cage Burn have been forced to create Bios for these Wiki-less fighters. You can help!

Name: Anna Elmose

Nickname: The Fire Muppet

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Faces of MMAeth – Paddy Holohan

It is with great sadness that we at Cage Burn today wave goodbye to a legendary Irish pioneer in the arena of no-holds-barred unarmed combat with an honourary posting to the halls of MMAeth. Paddy Holohan has just announced his retirement and – all joking aside – this sudden and unexpected news has robbed the MMA community of a unique and inspirational figure. Paddy ‘The … Continue reading Faces of MMAeth – Paddy Holohan

Burn the Books: UFC 197

Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. This week we look at UFC 197, an event featuring arguably the two best pound for pound fighters in the world. Marred by the abrupt withdrawal of Daniel Cormier, the card still packs some power with names and quality match-ups from top to bottom. Enjoy!

Conor McGregor flies into the arena a la ‘Fanman’ to drop a turd in the centre of the Octagon™: +800

Don’t believe the hype on this prop bet. Sure, McGregor might take to fancy parachuting, and he might fly into the MGM Grand Garden Arena and he might drop a turd… but that turd will not be directed at the centre of The Octagon™ my friend.

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Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army

In a communiqué that rocked the MMA world, ex-junkie Conor McGregor has just announced his Glorious Five Year Plan to collectivise and unionise the sport’s athletes.

Rumour and innuendo have run rampant since The Tweet Heard Around The World was sent out two days ago announcing his retirement. Proposed motivations swung from fear of Nate Diaz, to fear of USADA, to fear of success. But Comrade McGregor knows no fear. He only knows solidarity, unity, strength.

The announcement was accompanied by the formation of a new union, of which Comrade Conor will be the head, the Mixed Martial Arts Fighters Union or MMAFU. Along with the formation of the union, a call-to-arms was issued for the Red Panty Army (RPA) to sally forth and take key infrastructure and positions.  Continue reading “Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army”

Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?

Henry Cejudo is an Olympic gold medalist. Henry Cejudo is the #2 ranked fighter in the UFC’s flyweight division. Henry Cejudo is scheduled to fight Demetrius Johnson for the championship this weekend at UFC 197. But is he all he says he is? Born in Los Angeles, California? Born in 1987? Fighting out of Phoenix, Arizona? But is he?

A shocking image emerged following Rafael dos Anjos’ (Portuguese for double anus) upset victory over Anthony Pettis to claim the UFC’s lightweight title. When dos Anjos’ family entered the Octagon to witness their father be badgered by Joe Rogan in his second language, it caught our attention that his youngest son, Gustavo, is no other than Henry Cejudo! That’s right, folks. You heard it here! Continue reading “Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?”

Faces of MMAeth – Diego Brandao

Poor old Diego’s on a bit of a downward spiral. After a widely publicised loss to a fellow MMAeth abuser he got back into the wins column for a couple of bouts, even netting a Performance of the Night bonus vs Katsunori Kikuno with a TKO in Japan. However, after testing positive for Marijuana following a triangle choke loss after a spirited contest vs Brian … Continue reading Faces of MMAeth – Diego Brandao

Burn the Books – UFC on Fox 19

Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. This week we look at UFC on Fox 19, a fight card expected to take us back in time until Lyoto Machida was scratched. It’s the most exciting thing to hit the Tampa metropolitan area since Hulk Hogan’s sex tape trial a few weeks ago. Check out the previous instalment.

 

Somebody pops for steroids during the walkout: +550

There are no steroid tests during the walkouts. There’s not even really a feasible way for it to happen. It would literally take a fighter to pee their pants in fear and then fall over crotch-first onto some testing equipment owned by USADA. I know people are thinking about taking this bet based on the spirit of the times, but seriously, they’re sucking you in to take your money. I mean, who falls over crotch-first?

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“Dana Afraid to Really Travel Back in Time”: Scott Coker

As of late, it has become the en vogue thing for MMA matchmakers to reach into yesteryear and dust off some oldies but goodies in an attempt to rekindle some of the sport’s pre-saturation lustre. This weekend’s UFC on Fox 19 card from Tampa, Florida does just that, featuring a main event of Glover Teixeira vs Rashad Evans and a co-main event of Lyoto Machida vs Dan Henderson.

But according to Bellator’s Scott Coker, Dana White is afraid to really crank up the Delorean and take the sport for a ride back in time.

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