In a move that has stunned the worlds of MMA, boxing and I-told-you-so-activism, Irish MMA Superstar Conor McGregor (21-3 in MMA) has released the details of his corner for his upcoming bout vs Boxing Legend Floyd Mayweather (49-0 in Boxing)…and it is legit racist as hell.
Alongside long-time coach John Kavanagh, Team McGregor has called in Adolf Hitler (Intercontinental champion, 1939-1942), Pepe The Frog (alt-right cruiserweight contender, 2015-) and Ku-Klux Clam (Itchy & Scratchy’s friend with white supremacist links). None are noted pugilists, leading critics to slam McGregor with allegations of theatrical con artistry.
Mayweather’s flouncing coach Justin Bieber has lashed out at McGregor, commenting “now it’s ON, leprechaun boy! It’s too late now to say sorry!”
Reached for comment, Conor McGregor’s response was lost in a blur of puffy-chesting amidst a string of hurdy-gurdy gobbledegook.
Continue reading “McGregor Announces Corner Team Vs Mayweather and it is Legit Racist”
So there I am, yeah, only five minutes home after flyin’ round the whole bleedin’ world for them fookin press conferences. I’m about to get into me 24 Carat Chinese Silk Superman pajamas and throw me feet up in the McMansion, when the phone rings. Who’s on the line only Ramzan bleedin’ Kadyrov! I’m there, Ramadan Whozakov? It turns out he’s only a bleedin’ WARLORD and an MMA promoter. So he tells me he’s made a “gentlemen’s agreement” with Dana for a deathmatch between the UFC and his team and he wants me to come over and train them for a day! The chap’s a dictator over in Azerbaijan or somewhere and he’s pals with all these knobheads – Tyson, Mayweather, even yer man Chris Weidman, that dope who got lucky when The Spider was his way out. And wait’ll ya hear this, Khabib, the lad who had a scrap with a pack of wolves – he’s Kadyrov’s little fookin lovechild! They done a genetics test and ev’ryting.
Continue reading “Comrade McGregor – Letter To Chechnya”
Leo – That recurring dream where you keep grabbing referee Leon Roberts’ leg and escaping from side control while he’s on top of you waving his arms in an Octagon shaped cage with a lot of screaming people and loud noises and lights after you’ve just been poked in the eye a bunch just seems to get realer and realer.
Virgo – You’ve been calling into work sick with chronic sinusitis for years. The gig is up as it’s become all the rage globally in the last week and half. Looks like all four of your grandparents are going to have to die… again.
Continue reading “Cage Burn Horoscopes: Week of 17 July 2017”
Leo – That leathery old black man who keeps following you around and slurring his words at you angrily is not a figment of your imagination. He’s real… and you must fight his son to keep possession of your soul.
Virgo – You will be asked to judge an “MMA event” in a barn in Iowa. While the circumstances might seem mysterious and the promoter is shadowy, you’ll never have another chance to see a man wrestle a goat for money.
Continue reading “Cage Burn Horoscopes: Week of 10 July 2017”
45-year-old Republican candidate Ted Cruz has dropped out of the presidential race in order to devote more time to his MMA training.
Citing a disillusionment with politics, sources close to Cruz said that he was sick of enacting mere proxy violence on disadvantaged members of North American society and instead wanted to “really, actually hurt some poor people…like, by hand?”.
The consumate Thai stylist dropped the news with a textbook side elbow to the face of wife Heidi; all of his us here at Cageburn MMA wish him the best in following the footsteps of cousin Dominic…by amassing as many career-threatening injuries as possible.
Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. Today we take a look at UFC Fight Night: Overeem vs Arlovski from Rotterdam, NetherRegions, the Cleveland of Europe. It’s also the largest port on the old continent, which means that if you’ve ever done cocaine in Europe, there’s a good chance it came through Rotterdam!
For previous entries into the Burn the Books series, click here.
Arlovski reveals himself to be a Slavic Werebear now that he’s closer to his native soil and everlasting immortality: +515
The chances of Andrei Arlovski actually being a werebear is relatively high. But ever since the Twilight Octrilogy was released, the younger generations might be inclined to think he’s a vampire. He’s clearly a werebear, you idiots. But, despite what you geographically retarded Americans might think, Rotterdam is not that close to Ex-Russiaslavia. He’s not ‘coming out’ here.
Continue reading “Burn the Books – UFC Fight Night: Overeem vs Arlovski”
Employee of the Month is a monthly award given out to some of our exemplary employees here in the Cage Burn Kingdom. We recognise the unique space that we inhabit in this unique sport. We recognise that in order for us to have content, we require colossal blunders from people teetering on the brink of insanity. And so this month, we recognise:
Employee of the Month, April 2016 – Gregory McConnors (Industrial Relations Officer)
During the month of April, nobody did more than this newcomer on the Cage Burn scene, Gregory. He spent much of the month improving the company through his expansive knowledge and application of industrial relations.
He was a valuable go-between bridging the gap between management and employees, doing the majority of his yeoman’s work while on secondment in Iceland. Innovations in his use of social media should to be the difference. Without his dedication and hard work, we can truly say we might have had zero work during April.
We’re also extremely grateful to long-term content creator Conor McGregor for recommending this previously unearthed gem to us. Apparently they were lifelong friends who had met as children while on holiday in a town called Nilbud.
Many other employees could have staked a claim to this month’s award. We would like to thank Jonathan for his work with our security team and young Diego for his work after hours with our loss prevention unit at one of our establishments. Diego was a favourite for the Award until Gregory came on the scene, and we are particularly fond of him here at Cage Burn, owing to him battling a semi-crippling drug addiction and overcoming a previously violent past. If only we had the power to give out three awards.
To view other employees of the month…
In a communiqué that rocked the MMA world, ex-junkie Conor McGregor has just announced his Glorious Five Year Plan to collectivise and unionise the sport’s athletes.
Rumour and innuendo have run rampant since The Tweet Heard Around The World was sent out two days ago announcing his retirement. Proposed motivations swung from fear of Nate Diaz, to fear of USADA, to fear of success. But Comrade McGregor knows no fear. He only knows solidarity, unity, strength.
The announcement was accompanied by the formation of a new union, of which Comrade Conor will be the head, the Mixed Martial Arts Fighters Union or MMAFU. Along with the formation of the union, a call-to-arms was issued for the Red Panty Army (RPA) to sally forth and take key infrastructure and positions. Continue reading “Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army”
Henry Cejudo is an Olympic gold medalist. Henry Cejudo is the #2 ranked fighter in the UFC’s flyweight division. Henry Cejudo is scheduled to fight Demetrius Johnson for the championship this weekend at UFC 197. But is he all he says he is? Born in Los Angeles, California? Born in 1987? Fighting out of Phoenix, Arizona? But is he?
A shocking image emerged following Rafael dos Anjos’ (Portuguese for double anus) upset victory over Anthony Pettis to claim the UFC’s lightweight title. When dos Anjos’ family entered the Octagon to witness their father be badgered by Joe Rogan in his second language, it caught our attention that his youngest son, Gustavo, is no other than Henry Cejudo! That’s right, folks. You heard it here! Continue reading “Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?”
Conor McGregor retired from MMA on Tuesday with the Tweet Heard ‘Round the World. The cryptic 140 character message left many people questioning its meaning. Was it a power play or a negotiation tool? Was he strongly affected by the recent death of Brazilian fighter Joao Carvalho at a Dublin MMA event he attended? Is he afraid of his rematch with Nate Diaz at UFC 200 or, more sinisterly, a pending drug test? Is he on MMAeth? The MMA-osphere was sent reeling, scouring for clues and answers.
A Cage Burn exclusive blows the cover on the otherwise unrevealed motivation behind the surprise retirement. What we’re about to reveal may shock sensibilities and conventional mores. McGregor is not afraid for his health, his career, his pay check or anything else. McGregor is, beholden to Satan!
There is no Dee Devlin. ‘Dee Devlin’ is in fact, an anagram for Need Devil.
McGregor needs the devil. So if you are searching for reason in his actions search no further.
Continue reading “Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor”