Create-a-Fighter: Anna Elmose

You know when you go to look up a fight card on Wikipedia and you come across fighters with no Wiki page? WTF, right? As far as we’re concerned, anyone on a UFC card should have a page. In lieu of actual knowledge of the fighters, we here at Cage Burn have been forced to create Bios for these Wiki-less fighters. You can help!

Name: Anna Elmose

Nickname: The Fire Muppet

Continue reading “Create-a-Fighter: Anna Elmose”

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Employee of the Month – Gregory McConnors

Employee of the Month is a monthly award given out to some of our exemplary employees here in the Cage Burn Kingdom. We recognise the unique space that we inhabit in this unique sport. We recognise that in order for us to have content, we require colossal blunders from people teetering on the brink of insanity. And so this month, we recognise:

Employee of the Month, April 2016 – Gregory McConnors (Industrial Relations Officer)

During the month of April, nobody did more than this newcomer on the Cage Burn scene, Gregory. He spent much of the month improving the company through his expansive knowledge and application of industrial relations.

He was a valuable go-between bridging the gap between management and employees, doing the majority of his yeoman’s work while on secondment in Iceland. Innovations in his use of social media should to be the difference. Without his dedication and hard work, we can truly say we might have had zero work during April.

We’re also extremely grateful to long-term content creator Conor McGregor for recommending this previously unearthed gem to us. Apparently they were lifelong friends who had met as children while on holiday in a town called Nilbud.

Many other employees could have staked a claim to this month’s award. We would like to thank Jonathan for his work with our security team and young Diego for his work after hours with our loss prevention unit at one of our establishments. Diego was a favourite for the Award until Gregory came on the scene, and we are particularly fond of him here at Cage Burn, owing to him battling a semi-crippling drug addiction and overcoming a previously violent past. If only we had the power to give out three awards.

To view other employees of the month…

Gregory McConors EotM.jpg

Faces of MMAeth – Paddy Holohan

It is with great sadness that we at Cage Burn today wave goodbye to a legendary Irish pioneer in the arena of no-holds-barred unarmed combat with an honourary posting to the halls of MMAeth.

Paddy Holohan has just announced his retirement and – all joking aside – this sudden and unexpected news has robbed the MMA community of a unique and inspirational figure.

Paddy ‘The Hooligan’ Holohan has proven to be an immense source of pride to the youth of Tallaght, precisely because of how he sidestepped the allure of heroin – at epidemic levels in the West Dublin suburb – to find success in Mixed Martial Arts.

‘The Hooligan’ is a particularly noteworthy figure amongst the Faces of MAAeth primarily because he so ably demonstrates that, no matter what your background, social strata or reasons for retiring…that if you truly embrace the MMAeth lifestyle…you will eventually reach a point at which no-one can even tell whether or not you are actually on the MAAeth.

Respect to the man – Insha’Allah, your future endeavours will be a huge success.

To see more Faces of MMAeth…

Burn the Books: UFC 197

Burn the Books is a recurring segment here at Cage Burn. Before every major event, and many of the minor ones, we will break down some of the best betting lines and give you our expert gambling advice. This week we look at UFC 197, an event featuring arguably the two best pound for pound fighters in the world. Marred by the abrupt withdrawal of Daniel Cormier, the card still packs some power with names and quality match-ups from top to bottom. Enjoy!

Conor McGregor flies into the arena a la ‘Fanman’ to drop a turd in the centre of the Octagon™: +800

Don’t believe the hype on this prop bet. Sure, McGregor might take to fancy parachuting, and he might fly into the MGM Grand Garden Arena and he might drop a turd… but that turd will not be directed at the centre of The Octagon™ my friend.

Continue reading “Burn the Books: UFC 197”

Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army

In a communiqué that rocked the MMA world, ex-junkie Conor McGregor has just announced his Glorious Five Year Plan to collectivise and unionise the sport’s athletes.

Rumour and innuendo have run rampant since The Tweet Heard Around The World was sent out two days ago announcing his retirement. Proposed motivations swung from fear of Nate Diaz, to fear of USADA, to fear of success. But Comrade McGregor knows no fear. He only knows solidarity, unity, strength.

The announcement was accompanied by the formation of a new union, of which Comrade Conor will be the head, the Mixed Martial Arts Fighters Union or MMAFU. Along with the formation of the union, a call-to-arms was issued for the Red Panty Army (RPA) to sally forth and take key infrastructure and positions.  Continue reading “Glorious Five Year Plan For UFC – Comrade McGregor Seeks To Collectivise; Boss White Dismayed over Call-To-Arms for Red Panty Army”

Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?

Henry Cejudo is an Olympic gold medalist. Henry Cejudo is the #2 ranked fighter in the UFC’s flyweight division. Henry Cejudo is scheduled to fight Demetrius Johnson for the championship this weekend at UFC 197. But is he all he says he is? Born in Los Angeles, California? Born in 1987? Fighting out of Phoenix, Arizona? But is he?

A shocking image emerged following Rafael dos Anjos’ (Portuguese for double anus) upset victory over Anthony Pettis to claim the UFC’s lightweight title. When dos Anjos’ family entered the Octagon to witness their father be badgered by Joe Rogan in his second language, it caught our attention that his youngest son, Gustavo, is no other than Henry Cejudo! That’s right, folks. You heard it here! Continue reading “Is Henry Cejudo Really Rafael Dos Anjos’ Kid?”

Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor

Conor McGregor retired from MMA on Tuesday with the Tweet Heard ‘Round the World. The cryptic 140 character message left many people questioning its meaning. Was it a power play or a negotiation tool? Was he strongly affected by the recent death of Brazilian fighter Joao Carvalho at a Dublin MMA event he attended? Is he afraid of his rematch with Nate Diaz at UFC 200 or, more sinisterly, a pending drug test? Is he on MMAeth? The MMA-osphere was sent reeling, scouring for clues and answers.

A Cage Burn exclusive blows the cover on the otherwise unrevealed motivation behind the surprise retirement. What we’re about to reveal may shock sensibilities and conventional mores. McGregor is not afraid for his health, his career, his pay check or anything else. McGregor is, beholden to Satan!

There is no Dee Devlin. ‘Dee Devlin’ is in fact, an anagram for Need Devil.

McGregor needs the devil. So if you are searching for reason in his actions search no further.

Continue reading “Conor McGregor Retires; Satanism Key Factor”

Bellator Announces Signing of New Welterweight: Gregory McConnors

The recent competition between MMA’s two premier promotions to scoop up all available talent has heated up to lava-level proportions. Bellator and President Scott Coker have had a run of success signing big name free agents. Now you can add another to the list.

Today Bellator (which is Italian for beautiful tor) announced the signing of up and coming free agent Gregory McConnors. The outstanding prospect is slated to fight the winner of this weekend’s Benson Henderson vs Russian Guy bout for the promotion’s welterweight title.

Continue reading “Bellator Announces Signing of New Welterweight: Gregory McConnors”

Faces of MMAeth – Diego Brandao

Poor old Diego’s on a bit of a downward spiral. After a widely publicised loss to a fellow MMAeth abuser he got back into the wins column for a couple of bouts, even netting a Performance of the Night bonus vs Katsunori Kikuno with a TKO in Japan.

However, after testing positive for Marijuana following a triangle choke loss after a spirited contest vs Brian Ortega at UFC 195 back in January, the Brazilian wax merchant has been on the slippery slope to skid row.

As reported by MMAjunkie, “Early this past Thursday morning, Brandao allegedly fought three employees at the downtown Albuquerque club Knockouts before returning to brandish a gun, according to an arrest warrant obtained today”.

In an official UFC statement, the organisation claimed to be “concerned by the nature of the reported allegations” but refused to comment on further allegations that the 28-year-old Jackson-Wink fighter had started the fight due to the DJ’s refusal to play Danish eurodance group Aqua’s breakthrough 1997 hit ‘Barbie Girl’.

A teammate of Brandao’s at Jackson-Wink did, however, confirm that the Albuquerque-based UFC fighter had a penchant for ‘motor boating’ strippers to said pop song.  Diego is well-liked at the world-class training facility, where he is also much admired for his skill in ‘helicoptering’ his penis whilst singing the lyrics to ‘Barbie Girl‘ at the top of his voice in the changing rooms.

Click here for more shocking Faces of MMAeth.

Feeling So Alive: P.O.D. Usage in MMA

It seems like every other day a new fighter is going down for ‘performance enhancement’. Yoel Romero, Frank Mir, Lyoto Machida and that Russian Guy from the Tampa card on the weekend are the most recent examples.

It’s no surprise that elite athletes might seek a competitive advantage. They compete under a business model that only pays them when they compete and pays them double when they win. But whether the fighter blames roided-out kangaroo meat or supplemental taints, it is obvious that we are facing a crisis.

Rumours are everywhere. They start out as whispers. Turn into a chorus. Before long, people begin to beat the drums, screaming in rage at the injustices in front of them.

The athletes in our sport are jacked to the gills in an attempt to gain an edge. And what they’re jacked on… P.O.D.s.

Continue reading “Feeling So Alive: P.O.D. Usage in MMA”