Chris Weidman Attributes Win Over Kelvin Gastelum to Cannabis Use

In a Cageburn exclusive, former UFC Middleweight Champion Chris Weidman has attributed his choke-out win over Kelvin Gastelum at #UFCLongIsland to his opponent’s “indescriminate and frankly dizzzope” use of marijuana. Prior to Weidman’s theft of Gastelum’s swag, the 25-year-old was observed smoking three joints in his dressing room, allowing him to adopt an exceptionally relaxed demeanour in the fight’s early rounds. Nevertheless, Weidman successfully navigated the mental hedgemaze of ganja to break a three-fight losing streak and bring home the W in the third round.

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Comrade McGregor – Letter To Chechnya

So there I am, yeah, only five minutes home after flyin’ round the whole bleedin’ world for them fookin press conferences. I’m about to get into me 24 Carat Chinese Silk Superman pajamas and throw me feet up in the McMansion, when the phone rings. Who’s on the line only Ramzan bleedin’ Kadyrov! I’m there, Ramadan Whozakov? It turns out he’s only a bleedin’ WARLORD and an MMA promoter. So he tells me he’s made a “gentlemen’s agreement” with Dana for a deathmatch between the UFC and his team and he wants me to come over and train them for a day! The chap’s a dictator over in Azerbaijan or somewhere and he’s pals with all these knobheads – Tyson, Mayweather, even yer man Chris Weidman, that dope who got lucky when The Spider was his way out. And wait’ll ya hear this, Khabib, the lad who had a scrap with a pack of wolves – he’s Kadyrov’s little fookin lovechild! They done a genetics test and ev’ryting.

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Continue reading “Comrade McGregor – Letter To Chechnya”

USA Republican Presidential Candidate’s Unexpected MMA Dream

45-year-old Republican candidate Ted Cruz has dropped out of the presidential race in order to devote more time to his MMA training.

Citing a disillusionment with politics, sources close to Cruz said that he was sick of  enacting mere proxy violence on disadvantaged members of North American society and instead wanted to “really, actually hurt some poor people…like, by hand?”.

The consumate Thai stylist dropped the news with a textbook side elbow to the face of wife Heidi; all of his us here at Cageburn MMA wish him the best in following the footsteps of cousin Dominic…by amassing as many career-threatening injuries as possible.

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Employee of the Month – Gregory McConnors

Employee of the Month is a monthly award given out to some of our exemplary employees here in the Cage Burn Kingdom. We recognise the unique space that we inhabit in this unique sport. We recognise that in order for us to have content, we require colossal blunders from people teetering on the brink of insanity. And so this month, we recognise:

Employee of the Month, April 2016 – Gregory McConnors (Industrial Relations Officer)

During the month of April, nobody did more than this newcomer on the Cage Burn scene, Gregory. He spent much of the month improving the company through his expansive knowledge and application of industrial relations.

He was a valuable go-between bridging the gap between management and employees, doing the majority of his yeoman’s work while on secondment in Iceland. Innovations in his use of social media should to be the difference. Without his dedication and hard work, we can truly say we might have had zero work during April.

We’re also extremely grateful to long-term content creator Conor McGregor for recommending this previously unearthed gem to us. Apparently they were lifelong friends who had met as children while on holiday in a town called Nilbud.

Many other employees could have staked a claim to this month’s award. We would like to thank Jonathan for his work with our security team and young Diego for his work after hours with our loss prevention unit at one of our establishments. Diego was a favourite for the Award until Gregory came on the scene, and we are particularly fond of him here at Cage Burn, owing to him battling a semi-crippling drug addiction and overcoming a previously violent past. If only we had the power to give out three awards.

To view other employees of the month…

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