Cage Burn Horoscopes: Week of 17 July 2017

Leo – That recurring dream where you keep grabbing referee Leon Roberts’ leg and escaping from side control while he’s on top of you waving his arms in an Octagon shaped cage with a lot of screaming people and loud noises and lights after you’ve just been poked in the eye a bunch just seems to get realer and realer.

Virgo – You’ve been calling into work sick with chronic sinusitis for years. The gig is up as it’s become all the rage globally in the last week and half. Looks like all four of your grandparents are going to have to die… again.

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Cage Burn Horoscopes: Week of 10 July 2017

Leo – That leathery old black man who keeps following you around and slurring his words at you angrily is not a figment of your imagination. He’s real… and you must fight his son to keep possession of your soul.

Virgo – You will be asked to judge an “MMA event” in a barn in Iowa. While the circumstances might seem mysterious and the promoter is shadowy, you’ll never have another chance to see a man wrestle a goat for money.

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