In a communiqué that rocked the MMA world, ex-junkie Conor McGregor has just announced his Glorious Five Year Plan to collectivise and unionise the sport’s athletes.
Rumour and innuendo have run rampant since The Tweet Heard Around The World was sent out two days ago announcing his retirement. Proposed motivations swung from fear of Nate Diaz, to fear of USADA, to fear of success. But Comrade McGregor knows no fear. He only knows solidarity, unity, strength.
The announcement was accompanied by the formation of a new union, of which Comrade Conor will be the head, the Mixed Martial Arts Fighters Union or MMAFU. Along with the formation of the union, a call-to-arms was issued for the Red Panty Army (RPA) to sally forth and take key infrastructure and positions.
Dana White, capitalist swine and president of the UFC (Ultimate Filthy Capitalists), was unavailable for comment. He was last seen cowering behind his ergonomic swivel chair at UFC headquarters in Las Vegas as RPA foot soldiers engaged in a daring ‘red panty raid’ and took hold of noted landmarks such as the Eiffel Tower and the fountains in front of the Bellagio.
NSAC (Nevada State Athletic Capitalistswines) shock troops were reportedly moving to hold down MMA Grand Garden Arena in an attempt to salvage this weekend’s UFC 197 card. There is no word as to whether or not the event will take place. The city is reportedly in chaos after the RPA fifth column sprung forth.
With some 1.61 million followers on Twitter, there’s no telling how many sleeper cells Comrade McGregor and the RPA have activated in the United States. Estimates range as high as 100k, mostly pre-pubescent teens and 8th-generation Irish louts with tribal tattoos.
Sporadic clashes have been reported in cage fighting hot spots around the world, though nothing on the scale of Las Vegas. The San Manuel Indian Bingo & Casino in Highland, California appears to be the next hardest hit outside of MMA’s capital city with the bingo hall reportedly razed to the ground. They may have to cancel the pending Ja Rule concert.
What this means for the MMA landscape is anyone’s guess. The consensus is that casualties will be minimal and once the initial street fighting subsides, life will return to relative normalcy. The new hard-left union, however, promises to change the power dynamic between fighters and promotion.
The MMAFU promises to deliver bread to every table, an Octagon™ in every city and a Red Panty Night in every home.
The move was most unexpected from McGregor, viewed by most to be only in it for himself and his partner, Dee Devlin. It became obvious early on that the move to retire was a power play, but most assumed it was about money, namely his money. But his roots as a working class lad from Dublin, an ex-plumber, served to strengthen his sense of class solidarity.
As Brother Conor says…
The only good capitalist is a dead capitalist