UR Fight: UR Fucking Kidding Me!

What the hell happened last night in Phoenix, Arizona. Last time we checked, Phoenix was not in International Waters. Unless Bill Hicks’ Arizona Bay concept has come to fruition while I’ve been gacked up on day/night cold medicine for the past few days, there should still be some laws in Phoenix.

Giving new meaning to the phrase ‘Vale Tudo’, Roy Jones Jr knocked out a fan and Michael Bisping used mock elbows to try to soften up Chael Sonnen in a grappling match. WWE wrestlers did their thing and the ever-humble Rampage Jackson dropped a c-bomb. Tank Abbot almost fought on the card, for Christ’s sake.

But we here at Cage Burn can’t help but think we could’ve done better. After a weekend spent in an opiate-induced dream state, we’ve come up with the following fight card.

 

Touch Butt Demonstration: Ido Portal vs a Gazelle

Touch Butt, a previously unheralded martial art, was brought to the forefront of our imaginations recently. While most accept that Ido Portal, the art’s foremost practitioner, is at his most dangerous in the park, it will be interesting to see how he performs inside our patented dodecagon cage (12 sides for the math-inhibited).

 

Reptile Wrestling: Hulk Hogan’s Weiner vs a Velociraptor

OK, it was probably a little late on the velociraptor reference, but Hulk Hogan’s junk is all the rage right now. I believe it’s representing itself in a court case or something? Pro Bone-o. (Drops mic).

 

Nut-Kneeing Battle: Ken Shamrock vs Royce Gracie

If you can have Bisping and Sonnen fight in only one aspect of MMA, why not have these two legends battle it out in an area that they both excel in. Recent history adds some spice to this bout, and seeing as it will be held in International Waters (right outside of Phoenix) Shamrock will be able to compete.

 

Three Stooges
Anthony Johnson in training.

Three Stooges-like Eye Poke Encounter: Michael Bisping vs Anthony Johnson

Both fighters have a lot of experience in this discipline. Both fighters could learn a lot from the Three Stooges, on attack and on defense. While nobody ever wants an actual MMA fight to end with an eye poke, you wouldn’t feel so cheated should an eye poking competition end as such.

 

Battle Royale: All of the ‘Pit Bulls’ 

Andrei Arlovski, Thiago Alves, both Patricky and Patricio Freire and Bethe Correia all square off in the ring. Winner walks out with the most generic nickname in all of MMA. Losers all get rebranded by the aforementioned Rampage Jackson. Maybe ‘Pit Bull’ ain’t so bad after all.

 

Monkey Knife Fights
Highlight of the UR Fight event last night in Phoenix.

Monkey Knife Fights: Furious George vs a Fan

No explanation needed…

Any bouts you’d like to see on our upcoming card? Drop us a comment.

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